I have always written a diary, even before my diagnosis and I have continued with it over the last 15 years but this blog is different - my paper diaries can be read by my daughter and my husband after I am no longer with them - they will however never read this blog and that means that I do not have to self edit myself something which I have been known to do in my diary and only since I had my diagnosis.
Once you have been told your cancer is terminal there is no going back from that - I know stating the obvious there but apart from the obvious consequence there are others that come in to play and I have found the biggest one to be that I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, that you suddenly have to make the most of your time and can't for a single second waste any and REALLY who does that! I was given the prognosis in 2007 and the words 'a few months' were also uttered and here I am 10 years later so why if I made my peace with it back then is it suddenly becoming such a big problem now......why I know exactly why, that carrot has been there dangling for such a long time that the more it dangles the more terrifying the thought becomes that it should suddenly be whipped away!
In 2007 I had a 8 year old daughter who was my primary concern - we had to make sure she was ok, we had a lot of family time and trips to the zoo and to see grandparents and everything I could fit in before I wasn't here. We sorted out wills, care plans and my funeral wishes and it was all done and then time went on and things improved due to palliative treatment and then more time went on and in the last 10 years I have lived like a relatively normal person albeit with some serious limitations, trips to hospitals and some very poorly times. I started to set goals and this is where the problem lies - I am a control freak, I can't help it, I like to be organised, know what I'm doing and above all have control of what's going on around me. So goal setting seemed a good idea and it is to a point but don't fixate on the goals.
I said I wouldn't get the opportunity to see my child grow up - she is now at university - I've done my job!
I said I wouldn't see 30, I am definitely the wrong side of that number now - I'm so past it I'm only 3 years off the big 40!
I said all I ever wanted was enough time and health to keep working for my family home to be secure and for me to know that they will always have a roof over their head - I continued working and when I was medically retired last year I'd also achieved that goal - another job done!
So really this is where I am at....the major goals I set and there have been plenty but I named the biggest ones have been smashed and I am left in a weird limbo, I'm scared to make a goal of my 40th or my daughters graduation because that much time just seems too far off and to think about either of those leaves me so anxious. Family and friends have said now is the time to take some well earned time for myself and to choose what I want to do with my life - that is of course a nice way for them to think about but with the cancer taking its toll on my body what I want to do and what I can do have to meet an acceptable agreement and they forget I only have this time because I had to give up a job that I absolutely loved to do because my health wouldn't allow me to continue.
Don't get me wrong I am massively grateful for the time that I have had and the time that I will hopefully have but with that time comes the great responsibility of making the most of it even though that isn't real life!
