After reaching a tipping point after many many years of coping in my own way with this nasty clingon that is cancer, I realised I needed help. I felt lost and just couldn’t see a way through how I was feeling. I went to counselling at my local Macmillan Centre and it has been such a positive experience for me, although I will also admit that it was so much harder and revealing than I had anticipated. Over the weeks I was able to voice some of my most deepest thoughts. There was also a thought that I didn’t want to say out loud (and will never do) and using tools such as emotion cards helped me to air that thought without saying it and that was a huge turning point. It was (please excuse the cliche) like a light was turned on.
As I have said in a previous post I have always set goals to reach, which is great as it has helped me through but it’s not suitable now as so many things have changed so what do I do; I tell you what I do - I just ‘Be’!
Now that may sound slightly odd but it has really helped. That one word is how I am taking each day, not looking ahead just seeing the moment. Since having to give up work, I have had people ask the question “What have you done today?” It made me start to think I was wasting the precious time I have if I didn’t really have an answer but that is wrong, I’m not! What I am doing is keeping myself as well as possible to make sure that I get as many days with my family as possible. I know that everyone has different ideas when diagnosed with terminal cancer, some need to make a bucket list, some need to travel to places they have never been and some (the really extraordinary people out there) make it their goal to make a difference and raise amazing amounts of money and everyone is different and takes a different approach and that’s ok, but me, well I just want to ‘be’.
And it’s ok to do that and not beat myself up about it. If I sit there for an hour watching people take a walk with their dog around the reservoir that our back garden backs on to - it’s ok as it’s what I want to do. It’s not a waste of time it is enjoying that moment, it’s also giving my body the rest it needs. Sitting watching the rest of the family enjoying a Sunday Roast dinner together with me not playing cook and host is also ok and the reason why it’s ok just ‘being’ because while I am just ‘being’ it means that I am still here and that is the most important thing.
