I got another Christmas with my family

For every Christmas since my terminal diagnosis I have put too much pressure on myself for it to be the ‘best’ Christmas and to be as well as I can be over Christmas until this year. This year is different and it is thanks to my Macmillan Nurse and one other person who quite rightly pointed out that what is the ‘best’? - if you had the best last year or the year before then how can you better that. Christmas to me is being with the family, laughing, eating, enjoying one another’s company and playing a few silly games. So does it matter if I’m not feeling my best - No, why? Well because even if I just sit there while everything goes on around me there is one important point....I am there! And as long as we’re all together as a family then we are having a lovely Christmas. 

So there were no meltdowns from me, no sobbing to my husband a few days before Christmas that I couldn’t make it what I wanted to be or that I wasn’t as well as I could be. 

It was what it was, a wonderful two days with my fabulous family whom I love with all my being, doing all the things we love to do even having a cheeky post dinner snooze on the sofa.

I was at hospital for a check up last week and while sat in the waiting room trying to keep my arms warm and drinking copious amounts of water to try and get my veins up so bloods could be taken, I watched the people around me some were clearly feeling really poorly and I felt annoyed with myself - I am reasonably well at the moment on my scale of wellness. My physical capability is lacking (and in turn my mental health has suffered with my anxiety and panic attacks creeping in) but I have had a succession of illnesses non cancer related that have put my body under more pressure than normal and that has frustrated me - seriously haven’t got time for everyday illnesses like colds or tooth infections they get in the way of making the most of my time! Seeing those people around me and having been one of those people made me realise that although life may be difficult that I should be focusing more on the positives rather than the negatives as that isn’t me. I have and continue to seek help for my anxiety and panic attacks which creep into my life now and again and that is a positive step as that has stemmed from my cardiac arrest which I have never properly dealt with although I am able to acknowledge it happened. 

I have a scan next month and the results not long thereafter - scanxiety is awful but I’m working on the take one day at a time approach, not thinking too far ahead - I can do this whatever may come up - afterall I have been dealing with it for some time now!