Lying awake at 4am having been awake since 2am your mind goes into overdrive, you think of anything and everything! At the moment this is a pretty standard night for me, the only time it has been different was on a recent week away to the Norfolk Broads where we were on a boat and what with the motion of the boat, the relaxation of holiday and the fresh air out on the water gave me 6 whole nights of uninterrupted sleep - clearly I need to be living in a boat!
But as I lie/sit/generally fidget here in my bed, I’m thinking for one day just 24 hours, I would like to be a healthy 37year old. A 37 year old who after having had a whole nights sleep doesn’t wake and even think about the miracle of having that sleep. One that gets up, perhaps nips off to the gym before work, does their job and then pleases themselves with whatever they choose to do in the evening - maybe go really crazy and enjoy a nice walk with husband to the pub for a cold drink in the beer garden.
And then as I think that I also realise that although my days are thoroughly dictated to by how my health is, I have also come to appreciate the smallest of things that I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t of given much thought to if I wasn’t living with this diagnosis and so you carry on.
You carry on living each day as best you can because you have too. Because no one else can do it for you. Because I don’t want to miss out on one day of seeing my family, speaking to my friends or just being.
That 24 hours wouldn’t be my life really; it would be someone else’s and actually it might be difficult, frustrating and not what anyone would choose but this is my life and for all the bad bits I have a whole heap of good bits that outweigh them.
So I will go back to counting in my head and hope I doze off before morning!
