So that's what rock bottom feels like!
It came from knowhere, like a bolt out of the blue! One minute I was plodding along quite happily with the usual ups and downs, when BAM, suddenly I was in the bottom of a big dark hole and however hard I tried I couldn't get out! I tried so hard to see the light, to find that way out but it just wasn't there! For the first time in this entire journey I felt completely alone, scared and ready to give up!
I was going to work and feeling awful, then I would spend the evening critisising myself and how rubbish I had been that day! I would log on this site and read through the posts! Usually I would reply with all those supportive lines that we get so good at writing! But no, I couldn't, I couldn't because I had nothing positive to say! How could I tell someone else that they will be fine, when I was sat there feeling anything but fine!
I think the reality of this 'long term illness' is that the side effects of treatment can be REALLY crap! So although, as I keep being told, I could live for many many years 10+ even! My reality is that those 10 years will be filled with drugs and treatments that cause me pain, discomfort or just mess up me being able to lead a 'normal' life! Okay not normal, but the life of a 42year old! I have to be honest and say for me the fear of dying doesn't scare me as much as the fear of living with a disease that eats away at everything I want to do and stops me being that person I want to be!
I know some people would give anything to be in my position, there will always be people worse off than ourselves! I have 2 very good friends that I have made on here and I know both of them would gladly swap places! But thankfully they also understand how I feel. I know at some point I will have to say goodbye to them and that's very scary!
This disease doesn't just strip away your physical well being! It's on constant attack at you psychological well being! I am now looking into getting some 'real' professional help with that side of things! For the time being I will sit patiently at the bottom of my hole, I can see a glimmer of light and I can hear voices, so I am not alone! I could start clawring my way up the sides of the hole with all the ups and downs that would go along with that, or I can sit down relax and wait for that rope ladder, then slowly one rung at a time I can work my way out and hopefully back to helping and supporting others!
Because it doesn't matter how long it takes........I WILL GET OUT OF THIS HOLE!!!
