Somrtimes I feel..........
LONELY........ In a room full of people!
SAD........... when everyone around me is happy!
SCARED........ that things will never be good again!
WORRIED........ that this is as good as it gets!
FRUSTRATED...... because no one is listening to me!
ANNOYED.......... because no one understands!
HAPPY........... that I am still here!
APPRECIATIVE...... of the friends I have made!
ANGRY.......... for the life I have lost!
GRATEFUL.........for the future I still have!
TIRED...........of living with Cancer!
FED UP............. of being told how 'LUCKY' I am!
SICK OF.........all the pain!
EXHAUSTED........ by all the side effects!
PLEASED........ that we have a great Health Service!
TERRIFIED.......of SPIDERS! Yes that's right Spiders, well I am still human you know! Not everything is about Cancer! I still have phobias just like everyone else! :-)
Joking aside, my current thoughts and feelings do revolve around Cancer, it's bound to! Yes I have been living with Secondaries for 2 years, but during that time I have had surgery and scans and appointments and blood tests etc etc, life is 'about cancer'!
I am now starting on a new journey, a journey that involves facing my above feelings and trying to work out how to 'live with Cancer'! I want to reach a point where at least half of those above feelings and emotions, aren't based on Cancer! Is that even possible? I don't know! But what I do know is that, I am going to be living with this disease for many more years to come and I need to make peace with myself!
I need to find a way to stop BLAMING myself! To stop trying to work out WHY ME? To accept the fact that I DIDN'T make this happen! That sometimes there are no answers as to WHY? We just have to accept that this is the life we have and we have to try and enjoy it!
Life really is for living! For being happy and content. More importantly, for me, it's about feeling I have a purpose! That I am here for a reason, that I am making a difference! When I read some of the comments on the Breast Cancer Board, I realise that I have made a difference and that makes me SMILE! I may not know WHY this happened to me, but at least I can see that some GOOD has come from it. Even if I STRUGGLE to see that sometimes!
