Well this has come as a bit of a surprise, I'm a practical pragmatic person, so can't say I've really suffered any lows since diagnosis, even when my treatment veered towards the gruelling side I didn't feel this low, a few tears with the pain but quickly back to being able to function, all be it at a lower level.
I've gone back to work four days a week, maybe that's too much too soon as I'm now physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, I'm also not coping very well with other people's behaviour. I accept that on the whole people mean well, but people can be fairly invasive with their comments, I'm well aware I look different, my face and body are still bloated my hair is short and grey, people telling me they don't recognise me is painful, I don't recognise me on the inside or out.
Occupational health have been brilliant, they did a work place assessment and provided me with some equipment to support me, unfortunately this equipment has been tossed to one side on occasion and I've been asked what makes me so special, well I don't feel special at all, I just want to go to work, do a good job and be effective.
Maybe I'm being over sensitive, the cancer has definitely made me more tearful, so I will throw this out there and you can share your thoughts with me.
Whilst at work I've been told by a senior manager, I'm not to bring my illness to work, wow I'd love to park it outside for a few hours.
Drink carrot juice that will cure you.
There's all the my brothers, uncles mums stories, I'm used to those now.
What makes you so special you think you need a desk.
Ah well you're all better now.
I was nominated a couple of times for a award, the reward for this was a day out at one of those escape type things, not physically possible for me at the time, no alternative offered.
Staff Christmas party, another physical active, told oh well it doesn't matter you can't take part, well it matters to me that I felt excluded.
Oh I didn't recognise you with your hair, also a senior manager.
Numerous comments about my hair, I'm generally ok with it, but sometimes I just wish they would say nothing.
I accept people will ask questions it's natural to be curious, but if I reply with an honest answer, it's dismissed, so please don't ask unless you really want to know.
I've had a few memory issues, I'm writing things down to assist me with this, but again have been berated by a manager for not being able to remember a password to help someone with a system issue.
I feel self conscious and I've also lost a fair amount of my confidence and self esteem, I really don't want to give up my job, I love the work I do but it has to work for me and my family.
So there we have it the ugly side of living with incurable cancer and the side effects of treatment.
Well that's a nice wallowing self pitying blog.
