I'm not entirely sure how to describe my relationship with alcohol, other than I have one and up until cancer it was a relationship I was very happy with. I wouldnt describe myself as an alcoholic or dependant, maybe habitual or social, but it's a thread that has run through my life very happily.
It has been there at almost every momentous occasion I can think of, weddings, divorce, birthdays, holidays, funerals, all my best nights out, Christmas, the list is endless. The only time alcohol hasn't been in my life was during pregnancy and breast feeding, when the girls were young I would limit my drinking to a glass of wine with a meal.
Spirits have never been my thing, it's alway been wine, red, white or fizzy. Dinner parties and Christmas planning always start with the wine list. I've spent a great deal of money on alcohol, more than I care to admit, I even have a monthly subscription to a wine club. One week a year a holiday is devoted to touring a wine regions. Taster menus at restaurants have always been enhanced by a flight of wines.
Such is my love of wine, I have a book in which I have stored wine labels from bottles I've really enjoyed, I keep champagne corks, dated as to when they were opened and who I was with.
Over recent years my husband has done dry January and had extended periods where he hasn't drunk, I've not managed that. Even when I've dieted I've built in alcohol calories. My brutal hangovers, have only seen me abstain for maybe 24 hours.
So here I am nearly four months dry, I stopped drinking on the 1st July when I knew I'd be having surgery, every day since, I've missed it. I can't say I feel any different for not drinking, difficult to tell due to the side effects of chemotherapy, but has I approach the last few weeks of treatment I'm completely torn. I have been surprised by the number of people who have said to me "have a drink, you can drink through chemo, one won't hurt" well I can't drink just one, so it's clear to me I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.
And do you know what has become apparent to me, I'm afraid, I'm afraid that if I do drink it will speed up how quickly this cancer will come back and how quickly is will spread, but equally I'm afraid of not drinking, it's my social crutch, I love having a drink, I love the taste how it makes me feel, the excitement of choosing a new wine I could go on.
So I guess I'm at a crossroads with no idea which direction I will go in, apart from anything else how will I fill the time!
