It is now January 2023 and almost 5 years since my mx. I am ‘still’ waiting for the contralateral mx and reconstruction, thanks to delays caused by Covid. I feel normal again. I am trying to be normal again, but fear eats away at every waking moment and often creeps into my sleep too. I have spinal degradation, brought on by the treatment, which makes it painful to do anything, even walk, but I’m alive. I worry about how long for though. I am renovating my house and often wonder if I will see it finished and if so, will I enjoy it for long. Will someone else take my place, benefit from all my hard work? I hate thinking like this. Dark thoughts, damaging thoughts to have. To share them with anyone that I care about would be cruel, selfish, so I have decided to share on here. There’s not much more to say and I’m sure that many of you have the same dark thoughts, the same worries. I know that many of you have a secondary diagnosis, so I feel ashamed to have such a strong need to share, selfish that I am willing to burden others to make myself feel better. I just want to talk, but sadly it’s not an option.
