1. The topper
Seriously??? This is so common and so annoying! I had never considered myself a potential competitor in the Cancer Olympics and yet, weeks after surgery there I was being cut down to size because, someone’s great aunt had it so much worse don’t you know?!
Now there are people who are toppers in every aspect of their life, if you've been to the aquarium they went deep see diving, if you got a raise they became CEO, if you went to the seaside for your birthday they went to Mars to celebrate their platinum anniversary of being amazing!
These people are annoying, and they are also very common. The truth is we all do this, it's basically the whole point of social media right?! And when it's boasting, it can be frustrating and a complete bore to listen to but it doesn't usually hurt. When someone one ups your illness, it can hurt.
It's dismissive, it tells you that the way you have been feeling is unjustified because someone has it worse. When the truth is there is no feeling that you should feel ashamed of.
I get, that by telling you how much worse someone else or themselves have had things they are maybe trying to help or reassure you. By telling you things could be worse they may want you to feel grateful that your own situation is not as bad. It would be a little more sensitive I think, to simply acknowledge the things a cancer patient could be grateful for, thank goodness the diagnosis wasn’t worse, thank goodness you caught it when you did, thank goodness the treatment is better than it used to be… the list goes on. What is not helpful is making cancer, and ill health in general, a competition. And worse, a competition that they make you lose!!
There is also a fatal flaw in topping someone's cancer diagnosis, the story usually has one of two endings.
Ssenario 1:- my cousins neighbour had a similar thing but much worse and is now completely fine.
Great, maybe I'll be fine! Maybe there's nothing to worry about. Maybe I'm being over the top. It seems like I'm being over the top. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. Hmmmm, no, cancer is a big deal. Even cancer which you total recover from is a big deal. It’s so hard sometimes to stop telling everyone your fine. maybe it’s a british thing, but I really struggled with telling people that yes it is quite serious, and yes the chemo is pretty awful and yes I am very worried for my future. Instead my impulse was to act like I had a mild cold! Chemo is OK really, nothing to worry about! Oh it’s just a tumour in my bowel, I’m sure I’ll be OK in a few weeks! When this is all over I’ll barely think about cancer! Of course these are big fat lies and I know it and I have to stop trying to put on a stiff upper lip and be honest with people. This is where, being told that someone else had a much worse cancer and is totally fine can be reassuring but it can also make you feel that your own situation has been belittled, and that’s not OK.
Scenario 2:- my cousins neighbour had a similar thing but much worse and is now dead.
I’m not sure I have to explain why it sucks to say this to someone with cancer. When someone says something like this a think ‘great, thanks for telling me. I'm going to crawl into a ball and think about that and my own mortality and potential early death now, have a nice day!’ Of course people usually follow this up with how much older/unhealthier/more cancerous than you the said dead person was, but at this point it's really not that useful of an input.
