Having never written a blog before I find myself today feeling like I need to vent...or cry...or get something out of my system! So here I am and here goes!
A brief outline...
Almost 3 yeas ago on the day of my daughters birthday My wonderful mum aged 51 was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer, having never smoked and always being a very healthy and fit person I found it hard to fathom and found myself feeling angry about the fact! on November mum had part of her right lung removed in surgery followed by chemotherapy...mum was a trooper and did amazingly and bounced back like a super mum does!! However, July of last year a routine scan showed something of concern on mums hip bone and on my birthday (yes there's a pattern emerging here isn't there!) it was confirmed mum had bone cancer in her hip. By December it had spread to her spine and arm.
Mum went on to have a second lot of chemotherapy but struggled this time round and felt quite poorly. Half way through chemo mum was told she was eligible for a trial drug which she is now taking. (I forget the name of the drug off the top of my head!)
So bringing us to the current day, mum has had some radiotherapy for pain relief and although the trial drug has some pretty nasty side effects, her cancer hasn't grown as of the recent scan. Her pain does seem to be a problem though and recently she had a bad bout of pain and this really scared me to see her in tears screaming and crying on agony. I guess seeing that made it all seem a little more real that mum is terminally ill and the changes are visible now. Everyday she looks a little more tired and in pain. Although we've recently met with a McMillan nurse and morphine has been prescribed to help control pain, It's the first time I've seen my mum want to give up.
This had made me extremely emotional and nothing has felt as real as it does now, I'm starting to fear I will lose her sooner rather than later, as morbid as this may sound it's all kind of becoming a reality and I guess I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to without breaking down. I have 3 beautiful children who adore they're nanna and I'm struggling to know what I will say to them when the time comes. So much is going on in my head right now that this probably all seems like a lot to read...but I just needed to vent and release some how...
