My husband died of liver failure from cholangiocarcinoma on 31st October 2014. He was 30 years old. We had been together for 13yrs. We had two girls together and I found out I was pregnant three days before the cancer started to give him symptoms of something was wrong. He never got to meet his son. Christopher worked away as an electrician and usually away 9 months of the year only home twice a month. On 22nd August last year we went to a golf country club for a weekend away to celebrate his 30th birthday I noticed he was very thin around the face and tired looking chrisy said he had done 100+hours of work the week before in London so I put it down to exhaustion. We went on with the weekend but I started to notice little things like a slight jaundice to his eyes and his urine was dark even though chrisy drunk alot of water each day. On the Monday 25th August I found out i was pregnant we were ecstatic, that was the last time we were happy together because two days later chrisy took so ill. The Wednesday night he started to vomit violently, clutching his right side.his eyes were green like a highlighter pen and his temperature was 42°. I begged him to let me ring an out of hours gp but he declined so the next morning after a stressful night I marched him to our gp. Bloods were done and we were sent home to wait on results. I went to my work and spoke to the Dr's I work with and looking back I can remember their glances to each other as they said it sounded like a flair up of his PSC or his auto immune hepatitis. We were given a red flag referral by our gp that evening and headed to the hospital. Over a few days we got scans etc and then on Wednesday 4th September chrisy rang me at work. He said they had found something on the scans and wanted me up the next day to discuss them, that moment I knew in my gut it was cancer. We had our life shattered the next day when the Dr confirmed it. The tumour was 5cm and it was close to the main artery that went into the liver so surgery was not possible as it was too risky. It was palliative care. We left hospital that day as we had to switch hospitals for a bed in a smaller more intimate hospital and there was no beds. I cried until my heart could take no more. How was I going to break it to our 6year old and 3 year old daughters that their daddy was dying? I couldn't come to terms with it. Chrisy and I cried and kissed for a full week lying for hours in bed with our girls just spending every moment together. We got a call on 23rd September from a liver specialist who had heard about chrisy and felt he needed to attempt surgery as he was so young. It was scheduled for 30th September. I felt hope but chrisy didn't share my enthusiasm. He told me after (few days before he died) he knew in himself that he was dying but he loved to see the hope in my eyes. Christopher's surgery didn't go well. When the surgeon opened Christopher the tumour was dead but three little tumours had started to develop and cirrhosis of the liver had spread to the healthy side so if surgery had continued then he would have bled to death on the table. We were given a private side room to spend our last few weeks with chrisy. I had a bed in his room so I never left his side. Our daughters were brought up to see him every few days and my eldest started to notice the difference in him. Chrisy had two liver failures from 30th September til 24th October. He pulled through the first but on 24th October he had his second. He looked at me and said he was tired of fighting it. That day he stopped eating. The next day even at my begging he refused drinks and due to this he slipped into a coma on 27th. I kept by his side telling him though he couldn't reply how I loved him and I'd tell our unborn baby all about how his daddy was a hero for facing cancer with such bravery. His breathing shallowed on 30th October. I got out my kindle and played our wedding song to him and told him to just let go. Literally as the final notes played he died. My soul broke that night. I had to go home and live a life as a single pregnant widow and explain to a 3yo where daddy was while watching my 6yo crumble. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm filling up thinking of it. People say how brave I am and how they see me as some sort of hero. I'm not I'm just getting on with life like a robot. Smiling everyday when inside I'm dying bit by bit. My son was born on 30th April exactly 6 months after his daddy's death at a healthy 9lb 7.5oz. He is amazing. If it wasn't for him and my girls I don't know where I'd be. I miss his daddy terribly I don't know how I'm meant to go on the rest of my life without his kiss his voice his presence and his love. Someday I feel better but for now I'm just existing. Thank you for accepting me to this group and for hearing my story
