Hi, My name is Alec I'm 22 years old from London.
I'm not really sure about blogging or if this is even the place to be writing this, but I needed a space of my own for my thoughts.
In August 2016 my father was diagnosed with Terminal Lung cancer and given a life expectancy of 18 months. Now To say we didn't see it coming would be a lie, dad was a heavy smoker and still does smoke, so it wasn't a complete surprise that this had come around.
But for me at the age of 22, I didn't know how to deal with this information, as my father has always been my role model and my best mate, we have done absolutely everything together since I was able to walk and talk, and the idea of knowing that I'd lose him before I turn 25 completely and utterly threw me. It took a while for me to process the information and I also a smoker started to smoke more and turned to drink, thinking that all my problems would be solved at the bottom of a bottle.
I started to shove the idea of dad having cancer out of my head so I didn't have to deal with it, but this just made things worse. Seeing My old Man go from life of the party and everybody's mate, to a couch potato and never leaving the house broke me. It broke me to the point that my mental state deteriorated and I ended up in hospital myself after trying to take my own life one night.
Hospital visits with dad to watch him undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy were hard for me, seeing the strongest person I know attached to a drip for hours on end was mostly unbearable. Harder still for me have been the meetings with the doctor and the rest of our family, locked in a room with my mum, sister, dad and a doctor, waiting to hear how badly or not the cancer is affecting my dad and how well or not the treatment is working, this pretty much turned me into a human shell and I refused to talk in these meetings and still do.
After a 3 or so month course dad chose to stop chemotherapy as it wasn't having the ultimate desired affect, but he chose to Have radiotherapy as recommended by the doctor. He went through a month long course of radiotherapy, which brings us to now, 2 months after the radiotherapy finished and almost 12 months into the predicted 18.
We were told that the side affects wouldn't kick in until two weeks after, dad showed no sign of side affects for 2 months and at the end of those 2 months, we were told that his tumour had shrunk fairly well and we may be able to add another year onto his life. Great! Or at least you'd think so right?
Well the week comencing the 3rd of April and everything seems to be going wrong again. Dad seems to have taken a turn for the worst, he is refusing to leave the house and refuses to take part in any activity/event he is invited to, his food intake has dropped again from what it was before and his attitude towards the family and our help has been less than pleasant.
While everything was going well I had closed myself off again and refused to acknowledge my feelings on the situation. But the last week was so stressful that I couldn't face entering the family's home. I have spent this morning all over the place filled with emotions and regret of not being there to help him, my mother and sister.
The current state that he is in, i find it hard to deal with and I'm trying my hardest not turn back to drinking. But I feel lost without that release in my life, I feel today may be the day that I crack.
Whilst writing this dad has called me asking for help with shopping, so im going to stop writing and go help him, today might be the turn he needs.
I will post an update later.
Alec
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