Hi Everyone,
I had my 5th round of FEC 75 last Tuesday (23rd) having had a lumpectomy (14th March) and ANC (8th April) and I am feeling so very down that I don't know what to do with myself. I have just made an appointment to see my GP in the morning because this feeling has been with me now for 3 days and if anything, it is just getting worse. I can't stop crying and I can't see round the next corner - I've felt really ill since Friday - acid reflux causing chest pain, burning sensation under the skin and I have a cold which I obviously have no immune system to get rid of as well as not being able to taste anything but it's the dark thoughts that keep invading my head. I am a business manager across two primary schools and have managed to go in (to an empty school) for six days' work over the holidays but since last Tuesday's chemo - well the horrific blood test that I had on the Monday really - I have just fallen into an abyss that's so dark and scary and I can't climb out. I've made myself shower and get dressed today and have popped into Sainsburys (dropping my daughter at work and purchasing a hot curry that I still couldn't taste!) and I have had a visit from a friend too.
I feel that my life as I knew it has gone - I won't ever be that 'go to' person who sorts every problem out at work for every person - picking up fox poo, splitting up fighting parents, allocating a 2.8 million pound budget fairly amongst everyone, making sure the new toilets get installed in Key Stage 1 over the holidays, interviewing staff and processing the recruitment for them - how will I ever be that person again??? She is gone - I feel awful, I look awful and I can't imagine supervising anything let alone managing all of that ever again. I work over two schools with in excess of 150 staff and just two people have been in contact with me over the school holidays - one from each school - all those promises of 'we'll be round to see you', 'give me your address so I can send you something' - load of old tosh and I feel so let down - foolishly I know - but I gave those two schools 110% every day for five years, working from 7.30am to 6pm every day, never ill, always there to lend an ear and sort out problems both personal and professional and what happens? I get this dreaded thing and suddenly it's out of sight and out of mind and I don't want to go back now - I want to sell my house, buy somewhere in the country near my brother and my sister and be mortgage free...
I long for my mother's wise words right now, I'd cut an arm off just to have an hour with her but sadly she passed away in 2008 at the age of 64 having been quickly taken by lung cancer - bastard thing! She was so strong and so full of wisdom - and I need her so much.
Sorry to rant everyone and as I've cried all the way through it I'm not sure whether it helped or not, but I'll go and put some dinner on now and give myself as much of kick up the arse as I can muster.
Hannah xx
