Now where was I? Oh yes, Monday 20th Feb at the Breast Care Centre in the hospital. I liked the doctor straight away - it was his directness, can't abide 'beating round the bush' - never have been able to.
An examination of my breasts resulted in him finding a 2nd lump on the left breast and off I trotted to have the mammogram. Twenty minutes later and I'm laying on the ultrasound table and it's core biopsy time. I have to admit, I felt a bit shell shocked after that experience and stumbled out to the waiting room where my husband sat worrying about me.
After a lengthy wait, we're back in with the doctor. 'It looks suspicious,' he says, followed by lots of 'ifs'. Then the trump card, the breast cancer nurse is here to answer any questions - well how about HAVE I GOT IT OR NOT?
Monday 27th Feb and back we go for the results... I've spent 7 days and nights pleading, hoping, wishing - but it's breast cancer in the right breast, my lump, not the one he found. I wanted to fall to the floor and weep loudly, but I didn't. I fired off 20 questions - even asking him, bizarrely, what my stitches would be like! Who bloody cares??!
I had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy on Tuesday 14th March, 5 days ago. So now, time blurs into night and day and sleep continues to evade me while I ponder on what the results of the surgery will bring. Has it spread - it was sitting on my chest wall, so did it go into the muscle there? Are my nodes infected? Will it be radiotherapy alone or is chemo on the agenda first? I hate the uncertainty and I just want to be 'me' again. I fight off the tears when I'm alone - like now at 4.46am while my family are sleeping. It's so utterly pointless to say 'Why me?' and I don't when the others are around. But now, when it's just me and my thoughts and you...well, I'm sure a little self-pitying 'Why me?' might be allowed.
