By no stretch of the imagination can I be called a clean freak. Before I got cancer, some/all of my house constantly looked like a bomb had hit it - but I knew where everything was if I needed it. The living room would get a clean down if I knew people were coming, and the kitchen would be fully gutted if I needed to bake for anything. But other than that, things just ticked over and were cleaned as and when it bugged me too much, or the landlord was inspecting, etc etc.
Since cancer, things are worse. Where it was at least clean before, just untidy, it's no longer clean.... and it's even more untidy than usual. The back pains, the lethargy, the constant need for naps have all put pay to the little cleaning I did before - as any energy I have now I'd rather spend doing something I enjoy, or doing a clothes wash, or emptying/loading the dishwasher, or some cooking, or sorting the cat litter - Just..... ew. Not trying to lug a hoover up the stairs, or bend to scrub a bath or a toilet. I even bought myself a new hoover, super light weight, brilliant suction, specially designed for pet hair - thanks for shedding continuously cats! Don't make me get out the razor! - and with an extra long hose that can do the stairs without needing to take the whole unit up and down in sections. That's helped keep things a little better than they had become, so it's something.
I have an awesome friend, who whenever she's round just spots something that needs done and announces she's going to do it. When people say 'what can I do to help', I don't know about you, but I always just smile and shake my head and say 'nothing, I'm fine'. Partly because I don't want to impose, and partly because I don't want folks to know quite how bad I feel, and how bad my house looks sometimes. It's a completely different thing when people simply say something like 'I'm going to Tesco, what can I pick you up when I'm there?', or if they're here and see there are weeds in the garden, just pulling them up. I guess it's all in the phrasing of things. 'What can I do', makes it sound like you're asking for help and people are going out of their way to do something for you - and that doesn't sit well with me. Especially not almost 5 years down the line, and with no end in sight. But someone being somewhere already, and adding 5 mins or so on to do something is different. It doesn't feel like such an imposition or like I'm being such a burden to people.
(Sidenote, just because it's doing my head in..... there's a puppy next door right now that must have been left alone. Because it is SCREECHING and whining. Teacup Chihuahua called Mini Mouse, just a few months old. Some people should NOT own pets, and next door are some of these people - for various reasons. *Grumbles and takes more pain pills, as clearly they're wearing off...... wait, I've not had any yet today. That explains the pain and the mood! Stupid ditzy head!!*)
Now visitors. As I've said above, my house isn't the cleanest or most tidy at the best of times. So even before cancer I HATED unexpected visitors who would just 'drop by'. No! Don't do that to anyone. Ever! Does anyone ever actually like the unexpected visitor? Honestly? If so, why? Please tell me in the comments.
Anyways, now that I have cancer, folks want to visit. Again, don't get me wrong, that's lovely that they do, and it gives me the warm fuzzies - right before the cold dread of 'OMG, my house is a mess!'. Some friends, I don't mind what state the house is in. They've seen it - and me - at our worst, and I've seen them and theirs at their worst. It's all good. But then there are people who aren't such close friends, or family members, who want to pop in and see you - and you know you can't have them see the house in the state it currently is because you've too much pride and you wouldn't enjoy the visit if you didn't try and clean things up first. But then you've your health to deal with, and the fact your body will not cooperate with all the cleaning that needs to be done. That's where I am at the moment.
My aunt decided on Sat that she was going to come and visit me on Wednesday - lovely. She's going to grab a train from London to Leeds to come and spend the day with me. This is nice, but weird. Her and her twin sister have been very distant for most of my life, they were interested in my cousins and seemed to have a good relationship with them. But with my brothers and I, not so much. That whole side of the family are a bit odd, and I have a feeling that there is some autism there - aspergers. My brother has recently been diagnosed with it, and I'm being investigated for it too - but from all I know of it, I think that whole side are on the spectrum somewhere. But since I became ill and my grandparents - their parents - passed away, they've been in touch and are referring to me as niecy - I hate it. I'm a 5' 10", rotund, 35 year old - and cutsey names just don't work on me. lol. It's weird. But anyways, I think I've become their new project now that they don't have their parents to care for.
But with her visiting tomorrow, it's meant that I'm having to push myself to try and get the house into a decent state. Otherwise, I know it will be all around my family that I'm not coping, and it will be made out that I'm having issues and am more ill than I actually am, and then my Mum will think it's a jibe at her and that she's not being a good Mum because I'm here in Leeds struggling while she's in Edinburgh 'not caring', etc etc etc. Can you tell it's happened before? YUP! A few times. People asking me questions on FB about how I'm doing, and me answering them as I would answer any question - honestly and bluntly. Then people commenting to my Mum about how I'm doing - or even just asking her how I'm doing - which then leads on to the question of 'Would she not be better coming back to Edinburgh?' or some variation of. Which then makes my Mum think they are criticising her parenting because I'm down here on my own, and so I get shouted at for 'attention seeking' and making her feel bad and making her cry...... I did nothing of the sort you crazy woman! It's all in your own head! Closer to her is literally the last place I want to be!
Anyways, I digress, so cleaning. Yes. Yesterday I put on a wash, and I cleaned the bathroom, and I tidied the landing, and I moved a pile of clean clothes to my bedroom - and I had to have a nap after every single one of those. Today so far, I have emptied the washing machine and hung my clothes up outside, carried the hoover upstairs and hoovered the bathroom floor and the landing. Then I had to come and sit down as it felt like my spine was about to snap. I can't believe I forgot to take my pills before I did that, idiot! Still need to hoover the stairs and the sitting room, tidy the sitting room, empty and refill the dishwasher, change the cat litter - it's SO heavy! - and gut the kitchen ready for a Tesco delivery tonight. Oh, and of course bring in the clothes once they are dry.
Before all of that though, I'm going to take and then wait for my pills to kick in..... Need to take thyroxine first, wait half an hour, take stomach protector and wait half an hour, then take the pain pills...... which means an hour or two for a nap/relax....... though that's in an ideal world. 2 hours of doing nothing doesn't get my list done today, not with having to keep taking breaks and recovering after/in the middle of each task. Ugh.
*Takes levo*
Now, it's taken me about 30 mins to write this, so I think I'm going to attempt the stairs hoovering, then I can sit down again. Wish me luck!
Once more into the breach I go!
