Figured I'd run a few updates up, fill folks who are interested, or just bored, in on where I'm at and what's been going on with me.
So, I had another dose of RAI on the 3rd of this month, and was stuck in hospital until the Thursday afternoon. That's where the 'Superpower watch' posts came from. I was in a really bad place going through that, so detaching myself from what I was going through, looking at it from a sci fi scientists point of view was how I coped. However the descriptions of what 'Patient L' was going through and feeling were all 100% real. The Tuesday was the worst day I've ever had in my life so far, and I felt so ridiculously ill it was beyond anything I'd ever imagined I could feel. My friend who visited, and the nuclear medicine lady who saw me, were quite worried about me as apparently I was a lovely shade of grey and blue.
Now going off my previous doses, Tuesday is always a bad day, and then things get better. Then a week or two after I'm out of hospital, the pain starts up in my back which is the cancer cells in my bones swelling from the RAI and - supposedly - dying. It's like one last F you to me as they go out. Thanks guys! But this time around, a pain started in my spine on the Tuesday, and today it is still there but worse. There are a few other bits too - like the rib that seems to have decided the tumour it has is a beloved pet, and REFUSES to let it go. It's shown up every single RAI dose I've had, and it looks like this one won't be any different. Now it's possible, that the rib on the opposite side has become jealous of rib number one's pet - as it's aching just now too. Then an area round the front right has an odd feeling in it, that's not like a bone pain, and I can't work out if it's in a lower rib or if it's somewhere else. But for anyone who sews, you know when you pull a stitch too tight and it makes everything curl up and pucker? Well, imagine that inside of yourself. That's what I'm feeling in my lower right, near the base of my ribs. Then there's that bit I mentioned before, the pain in my spine. It's right near the top, kind of between my shoulder blades. It's like a red hot poker is being driven straight into the middle of my spine constantly, and then there's pain radiating outwards into my shoulders, up into my neck, and down into the rest of my back. I now walk like a 90 year old woman, all hunched over - not a good look for a tall, blobby, 35 year old!
I've not had any results back, so all I know for certain is that I hurt. But the way I'm hurting is very familiar - so I think I know what it means. The problem is that a few of these pains aren't pains I've felt in those areas before. Which means that if it is cancer there, then the b*gger has spread again. :l (<<< That's a 'not impressed' face for those who don't speak emoji. lol) It also means that treatment isn't over, and I'll need to have another one after this. And with the way my body reacts to the radiation - with the bone marrow dying off, and the red and white blood cell count dropping dangerously - then I'm looking at at least another 3 years before I can hope to be 'normal' again. Sarcastic yay!
_____________________________________________________
Snugglebug, Stinkbug, Ladybug - They are a joy and a nightmare! SOMEONE decided that while I was with my parents, more on that later, it would be a good idea to attack Ladybug. I came home to her with her face all swollen and bloody, it had clearly only just happened in the couple of hours before I got back as she'd not had a chance to have a wash yet. I'm 100% positive it wasn't meant in a bad way, I think Snuggle or Stink just got carried away in a hoolie as they tend to do, and with me not around to tell them to calm down - it went too far. And as she's a Lady, she doesn't do the rough and tumble that they enjoy, so wasn't as well versed in the wrestling moves they enjoy. Alternatively, she tried to join in with their games as she does sometimes, and found it too rough, and so the same happened.
So of course this is Sunday afternoon. I go into hospital on Monday morning at 9am. I'm wondering what on earth to do as I'll be gone for a few days. So I end up with her in the sitting room, with all her needs taken care of, and the boys with the run of the rest of the house. It worked quite well, no more issues and all her swelling and brusing went down - and the cat sitter gave her LOTS of TLC.
They've been great since I got home. All of Ladybug's scabs are starting to come off..... she keeps asking me to scratch them and pick them off for her, but that's just minging. I give her a good rub, but I'm not picking scabs off my cat! Luckily, Snugglebug stepped up to the mark last night - boak - and as she was lying on my lap, she pushed her head towards him and he started licking her head and then burying his nose into her fur to chew and pull off all her scabs. I couldn't pull my eyes away, it was horrific. Like watching those spot popping videos on you tube. You know it's minging, you know you want to look away, but you can't help but stare! Ladybug though is very happy the itchy scabs are mostly gone, just a few left to go.
What they aren't so happy about though...... is that I have bought a water pistol..... Muwahahahahaha! See now, if they listened to me when I said 'no' or 'get down', there wouldn't be a need for a water pistol. But nooooooooooooo. They are strong, independent cats, with their own minds and they don't care about what I say. Well, now they do! :D With the reduced mobility, and the time it takes for the lazboy recliner to get down so I can get up - there was too much time between my command, them ignoring me, and me getting to them to shift them manually. They were taking the proverbial. NOT ANYMORE! I say something once, and then all I have to do is pick up the water pistol - and suddenly they remember what those words mean. It's like magic!
However, they are loving the reduced mobility. It means I'm on my bum for a lot of the day, with my legs up. Which means LOADS of comfy warm spots for heat seeking, sleepy cats to take advantage of. And poor Snugglebug. When I got out of hospital he wanted LOTS of cuddles and was denied because I was still too radioactive. He was distraught at me being in the sitting room and him being denied entry. And then that first night, all he wanted to do was cuddle in - and there was an evil fan blowing all night that kept him away. However, night two - he wasn't going to let the evil fan deter him. And despite his fear of it, and the wind it makes, he climbed into my arms after I was asleep and stayed there all night like some stuffed teddy to hug. Every time I came too, he was there, and he purred when I moved. Bless him.
_____________________________________________________
Referring back to the post I did on dating..... The guy who sent me the unsolicited pics and vids has been in touch again. LOL. Apparently he thinks I should "stop being like this. " Now 'this' that he's referring to is that I blocked him on WhatsApp and haven't replied to his text that told me to 'stop being like that', and then his message on the dating site that told me to 'stop being like that'. I was in a bit of a mood when the second message on the dating site came through saying the same thing - so the third time he's sent the message - so I responded with "I'm not sure what you expect after you showed how little respect you have for me/women."
Can you guess what his reply was?
Go on.
YUP!
"...for you to stop being like that"
:l
Sorry mate, I have more respect for myself than that and am 100% not desperate for whatever I can get. So if I've made it clear I have no interest in that sort of talk, or in seeing any of your 'bits', and you continually push and then send me pics and vids that start with 'I know I shouldn't but....' then you deserve to be ignored. Maybe it will show him that to get a woman like me who in his words is 'different, intelligent, caring, witty' etc - then we need more than to be treated like an object and this whole new thing of 'lad culture'. I'd love to find someone who's honest, a gent, and is basically me in male form. But I'm kinda odd and a bit 'special', so that's probably never going to happen. So hey, nevermind. lol
_____________________________________________________
And finally, I think, there's my parents. It was their 40th wedding anniversary last month and they wanted to do a family get together. So without any discussion with me - they booked it in at a hotel in Scotland for the weekend before my treatment. So when they told me the date I replied and said I couldn't go as I wouldn't be very well what with coming off thyroxine ready for treatment the day after. Apparently, this wasn't a good enough excuse, and I was told in no uncertain terms that I was to be there or else - and they'd arranged for a lift from my aunt and uncle who were coming from further south to pick me up on the way. I tried to protest, and detail how I'd be feeling off my meds - but no dice. Great. Then of course there's the whole issue of the LID I'd be on, and the hotel needing to cater for that. Mum said it wouldn't be an issue, because they catered for specialist diets all the time and she'd been told the chef was amazing and could cope with anything. Fab, at least there would be a bright point to this horror of a weekend. I'd get some nice LID food.
So I stress out for a month over this stupid party, because anxiety is a thing, and after the disaster of Christmas and the way I was treated and spoken to by my mother - I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with a repeat performance, and so on and so forth. I try and think of every excuse under the sun to get out of it, but I know that if I don't go, then it will be more hassle than going as it gives her guilt ammunition for years to come. I have no choice. So my aunt and uncle come and pick me up, and I spend the next 4 hours in the back of a cramped car, with my uncle vaping away constantly with the windows closed, and the air freshener blowing, and their music blaring - house music, the stuff I went clubbing to in my late teeens and early 20's, so really good bass beat. At the end of the journey I felt so ill, that it was all I could do not to vomit. It didn't help that the last hour was spent hurtling around the small, windy, Scottish countryside roads. Apparently, I looked as ill as I felt, as most folks commented on it. Thanks. This is now 5pm on Friday.
I'd been told before going that it was fine for me to vanish to my room, and spend the whole weekend there if I wanted to. Just so long as I was at the hotel. Fine. I take my stuff up to my room and have a lie down, planning on staying there for the evening to recover from the journey and the general Bleh-ness of being off thyroxine. NOPE. 6:30pm I get a phone call summoning me for dinner, as Mum has arranged something with the chef for me to eat. Lst thing I want to do is eat as I still feel ill, but once more I'm not given a choice and it's easier just to relent. So down I go to find a seat in the massive dining room, full of noise and people, still feeling ill and headachey, to be offered pea soup to start. No ta. Cue evil glares from Mum for not taking it as it's been made specially for me...... if I'm paying for this, I'm not taking something I don't want! I'm taking a stand! I do take the main though....... though when it arrives I wish I hadn't. This 'amazing chef' has managed to boil some red onion and peppers in some water, add in some curry powder, then slop it over rice. Are you kidding me?! I can feel the curry powder all gritty and grainy on my tongue, and the boiling of the veg has killed any flavour it might have, and they've not even attempted to thicken the curry powder water!!! £20 for that apparently.... Even the way I'm feeling, I could cook better than that. Jeez o! After that hideousness, I turn down the 'fruit salad' they've managed to do for me. Mostly because I'm just too depressed, and can't believe someone who served that main is calling themselves a professional chef. This does not bode well!! I hang around for a bit, ALCOHOL is my friend, then it's bedtime. Looking forward to a lie in and a chill out to recover from today.
NOPE. 7am I hear my brother, his partner, and their kids in the hall heading down for a walk/breakfast. Fine, that's ok, roll over and back to sleep. 8:45am, my mobile rings. My mother making sure I'm awake and coming to breakfast..... Uhhhh no. Remember you said I could just stay in my room and chill? No, apparently not. Chef - HA - has made me some 'special' sausages for breakfast that are vegan friendly and salt free. Soooooo...... he's mushed up some veg and shoved it into plastic? Ummmm, no ta. But I've been summoned, so down I go. And I have some fruit juice, as there's nothing else on the buffet that is LID friendly unless I want some cereal with water or juice poured on it. No ta. And the sausages? Burnt to a crisp. Def not. Chat to some family, play with the various kids of cousins and my brother, it's a nice morning. Then it's lunchtime - and the restaurant doesn't open, it's just a picnic shop full of pre-prepared sandwiches, all of which have dairy and/or egg in them. So seems there's nothing for me to eat for lunch. Stuff it, I'm knackered, I'm heading to bed to chill and watch TV and have a nap.
Phone call at 6:30pm wakes me up. 'Where are you, everyone is waiting for you'. Oops. Down I go, and am fed gin at an organised gin tasting - YUM. Best thing I've had this weekend so far. Then the meal starts...... the 'chef' has been at it again. Snooty waiter comes over and places a bowl in front of me with the words 'the chefs delivery of meditteranean veg didn't arrive this morning, so this is what he has for you'. Looking down, it's a small bowl full of rocket, with half a pepper julienned over it. No dressing. Are. You. Kidding. Me?! First off, your order doesn't come in - you send someone to the local supermarket to grab what you need. Secondly, you don't deserve to be called a chef if that's all you can come up with after a month's notice I'd be there!! Luckily, there'd wine on the table, and as everyone is drinking white, I'll have the red thanks. More for me for free that way!! Main comes...... I'm not holding my breath..... vegan friendly, salt free pasta, covered in a herb and oatly - that my Mum provided - sauce. Slightly more ambitious, head and shoulders better than ANYTHING else they've served me so far, but the flour they've used to thicken it hasn't been cooked out properly, and it's really quite thin. But by this point, I'm frickin STARVING, so every drop is eaten. Dessert comes, and even though Mum knows I don't like meringue - she's arranged for meringue. BUT, I've been promised a sorbet as well, so I'm quite excited. It arrives...... it's a sad looking shop bought meringue nest, with one strawberry and two raspberries in it, drizzled with some sort of too sweet coulis. No sorbet. I ask a waiter if it's to come, he vanishes to the kitchen and returns full of apologies. Apparently the 'chef' didn't/couldn't manage it. So I eat my three berries and I'm done. While everyone else has tucked into a starter of brioche toast and pate, or the veggies had eggs benedict on toasted muffins, then they had roasted chicken with all the trimmings, and the veggies - who are actually pescetarians - had a lovely bit of salmon, then finished with a massive piece of sticky toffee pudding, toffee sauce, and ice cream. I was so sad. And so very hungry. More wine for me!
I think I had 3 and a bit bottles of red wine to myself that night, then headed to bed after watching everyone else ceilidh dancing - couldn't do it myself due to pain and lethargy. So had to make do with watching only. Then my aunt and uncle wanted to head off by 9am on the Sunday, so I was up and packed, with all my stuff downstairs for 8am so I could see my niece and nephew for a bit. Said my goodbyes and then the same drive down as we'd had up. Sat down, fell asleep, then ordered a takeaway from a local Moroccan and Lebanese place where all the food is LID friendly - and stuffed my face! Food never tasted so good!
And was Mum thankful I went? Not that I could tell. The only time she spoke to me was to tell me off for not eating more of the 'specially prepared' food she'd organised and the chef had slaved away making for me. Or to tell me I looked tired, or grumpy, or that I was brining the mood down - so should smile more and eat more and enjoy myself. Apparently she just didn't get how ill I felt, how hungry I was, and how depressed the whole weekend made me. Not to mention the looming RAI, and wondering what it might show this time, how I would react to it, and what I was going to have to deal with once it was all over. And don't get me started on one of my brothers talking about how his fiancé felt like she couldn't talk about her - supposed - health problems whenever I was around, and it wasn't fair on her. Not sure there's anything I can doabout that one. But she's a whoooooole other story I'll have to rant about another time, because I'm tired and hungry at the moment. So I think food and a nap are in order. I could have really done without that whole polava of a weekend. But no, Mum needed the 'perfect family act' so I had to play along.
_____________________________________________________
So I think that's you all caught up on the happenings in my life - if you cared or were nosy. lol. Hope you're all having a better day than me, cause I think the damp has got into my back and is making them hurt more than 'usual'. Though as there is no 'usual', then who knows. lol.
Have a good one!!
Lass
xxx
