So, I think I've mentioned before about feeling like friends have dropped me like a hot potato since I was diagnosed, and a couple of days ago I learnt about a possible reason why it may feel like this. In fact, in the last week or so, I've learnt of a couple of reasons now I think about it...... and I'm not sure how to feel about it.
The first is what people didn't feel like they could talk to me about their probems and all that was goin on in their lives anymore. So where we'd get together and have a moan about our lives together, then set the world to rights, and leave feeling like we'd accomplished something - it seems that at least one person doesn't feel they can do that anymore. Apparently, they don't feel comfortable moaning about their problems to me, because they see my problems as being so much more difficult and problematic than their own. So they say it 'doesn't feel right' to complain to me about something they see as inconsequential and petty when measured to the stuff going on in my life.
I was shocked and surprised by this because, even before I was diagnosed, if someone came to me with an issue I never made it about me, and never made direct comparisons. And since being diagnosed, I am VERY conscious of the fact that the word cancer, and all that comes with it, is seen as the biggest baddest thing out there. So there's no way I would ever EVER want a friend to feel like I was trivialising what they were going through because they thought that I had it worse.
I've always said in everything I've done, as I've mixed in circles with all sorts of backgrounds and age ranges, that everyone has their own story. What one person thinks is the worst thing in the universe and that will end their world, might seem trivial when compared to what another person has gone through. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the first person is still thinking the world is going to end, so you need to see every issue and problem from their point of view and through their experiences, not through your own. Your own can be used to help guide and advise, because you have the experience that age or circumstance have given you - but to directly compare and trivialise the worst thing in someone else's world is just wrong, and not something I would ever want to do.
In a way it's similar to the folks who say to me 'oh you don't want to hear my problems, you've enough on your plate to deal with'. Ummmm...... everyone has a lot on their plate. Life, generally, isn't easy for anyone - which is why we have friends and why phrases like 'a problem shared is a problem halved' exist. We are there to be leant on, and others are there for us to lean on and it is a mutually beneficial system. So for one person to take a step back and refuse to share what's going on in their life, immediately makes you withdraw from them in return - leaving you both with less people to turn to and lean on when you really need someone.
Then there's the second reason I heard a couple of days ago. Someone had stopped inviting me out to places and gatherings because they knew I wouldn't have been able to make it. That one took me a while to process, and it's another one of those good intentions gone wrong - but also puts me between a rock and a hard place.
1 - I get invited out - often last minute from this friend which is the biggest problem, day of type invites. I'm not feeling up for it. I reluctantly turn it down. I feel like a bad friend for turning it down as it's not the first time and won't be the last.
2 - I don't get invited out, then hear from other mutual friends that a thing happened, and I feel ostracised and abandoned and like I'm not wanted anymore and I've turned them down so often they no longer want anything to do with me.
Then there's even a third scenario. I'm invited out, I feel up for going, but where they're going isn't disabled person on benefits friendly - as in there aren't a lot of seats, there's a lot of walking/stairs, and it's expensive. So I end up having to turn it down, and I hate my situation, hate that I've let them down and been a bad friend, etc etc.
And scenario three is kinda where I find myself at the moment. Friend came to visit on Sat with his gf, and we were all chatting and having a laugh and playing with the cats. I'm invited to his birthday thing - after it all comes out that he doesn't invite me out to things anymore cause he knows I can't make it - and I say that if I know when it's going to happen then I can make sure and rest up for it so I have the strength and energy to be there. He's really chuffed I'd do that for his bday and all is well. Then yesterday I get the details of where he's decided to go and what he's decided to do.....
Saturday night, so busy as it's prime 'going out' night. Starting in an upmarket, trendy, slightly hipster bar for food where there are tables to lean on and not sit at, and bar snack street food type of stuff for £10 a plate minimum. Then a walk to a bar that is expensive as it has niche beers and live music - again on the hipster side of things - and is long and thin with barely any seating. Then another walk to go on to a club that's on the third floor of a warehouse type building - so 6 flights of stairs and no lift - to dance to house/trance type of music. Free to get in, but expensive drinks again.
So....... rock and hard place now. I've made this big thing about resting up so I can be there, and talking about how with notice I can do a lot more than I can on short notice. Then when the plans are decided, they're expensive and with 0 seating available - both pitfalls when it comes to me getting out of the house. (As there's also the taxi cost to and from my house into/out of town.) So really, I can't go because of what he plans to do - but I can't say that as it will make him feel bad, and I can't not go, as it will make me feel bad. I have 2 weeks to try and work out what to do. Hopefully the brain will kick in by then and I'll come up with an ingenious plan. Or win the lottery. Winning the lottery by then would just be AWESOME.
So I guess what I'd say to those folks who are friends of people with cancer, or any illness, is the same as I said in the post I did called 'I am'. We're still the same people that we were before we got cancer. We still need you in our lives as our friends, and we still want to be there for you as your friend. Please don't treat us any differently than you did before, and just understand that we may need to say no a little more often than we did before. But this has NOTHING to do with the fact that we don't want to see you as often, in fact, it's probably quite the opposite. It's just that we might not be able to do all we want to and used to anymore. So a bit of thought and understanding will go a LONG way when you're making plans. Because if we're saying no, it's probably because we aren't feeling great - so we'll need you more than if we said yes. And if your friend's physical abilities have changed, and you really do want them somewhere, a little extra thought into what you're planning and suggesting will always be appreciated, even if we don't know how much work you went to, as it means we're more likely to say yes if the invite is to something we can manage and afford - and getting out of the house is definitely not a bad thing! So don't forget us, don't ignore us, don't step away from us, we still need you - and we hope that you still need us!
xx
