Christmas time. The time when those you (usually) share genetics with are all shoved together regardless of likes and dislikes, and you're all supposed to get on. Because it's Christmas.
Bleh!
This year, my youngest brother has moved back from overseas, so he was around. Usually I get on quite well with him, but he can sometimes be a pompous pr*ck who knows everything better than you do and refuses to listen to reason. And at 6' 3", he can look down on you both figuratively and literally. So we were chatting away about everything that's going on with me, and suddenly he decides to share that his thoughts, were he in my position, would be that he would simply take himself off to Switzerland and end it. He'd not want to go through the pain and treatment etc that I am, and he'd not want to live as I currently am, so he'd just end it. What in the heck am I supposed to do with that, and how is that supposed to make me feel exactly?! Jeez o!
Then Christmas morning rolls around, and Mum starts.
Bit of background first, over the course of a year she tried to dictate what I could and couldn't share on Facebook. It didn't matter if it was a joke, or a comment, or an update on what was going on with me, or a moan about a bad day - she thought she had the right to censor me, because she didn't want family and mutual friends to see this or that. I pointed out that while she might not appreciate a joke, I had obviously found it funny enough to share, and my friends enjoyed it as they commented and reacted to it. I even then removed most of the mutual friends from viewing my page. But still she continued. So I said that if she brought it up again, she'd be removed so she couldn't be upset by my page - she did, and she was removed.
I commented on something someone had said on FB, and she just went off like a rocket first thing Christmas Morning. Apparently her friends and family go to her talking about something I've put on my page, or just showing compassion and asking how I'm getting on - not FB related at all - or asking why I'm not in Edinburgh and am staying in Leeds. Apparently, this makes her feel like a bad Mum and person, and this is all my fault. I'm not sure how someone asking how I am is my fault, nor how it's a bad thing, but hey. I think her shouted comment was "I don't think you realise how you being sick affects other people" as she stormed from the room in floods of tears.
What.
The.
F*ck!!
I know exactly how it affects other people. I can see it in their faces every time they look at me. I can see it in their eyes each time they ask how I'm doing. I can see it in their awkwardness when they're around me. I can see it in their actions as they all drift away. I can hear it in voices and words, and see it in the tears shed in front of me. Because I have cancer.
And because of that, I barely tell people a quarter of what's going on inside my head and inside my body. I cancel plans with silly excuses so they don't know I can barely move. I smile even though I want to cry. I laugh when I want to groan in pain. And I keep quiet when I want to shout and scream and rant and rave. Because I know exactly what me having cancer is doing to those around me, and the last thing I want is to cause others hurt and pain. But there's sod all I can do about having cancer other than make the best of the bad situation I'm in. But I'm still human, and I'm still going to crack sometimes.
The woman needs to see someone to talk about these last five years, because she is NOT coping, and it's all being directed at me. But I've no idea how to force her into it - as she'd never go willingly! I'm considering phoning her GP to see if he can deal with her, but other than that - no idea. And for those who haven't read my other posts, our last five years looks like this;
Both Mum's parents died within a few months of each other.
Both Dad's parents died within a few months of each other.
Both of the family cats died, aged 18.
I have thyroid cancer, metastasised to the bones.
I have a meningioma.
I have a pre-cancerous lining to my womb.
Last week I was told I also have cancerous growths in my womb, aka womb cancer. So I need further tests to see if it has spread.
I have a new lump that needs investigated at the bottom of my neck.
2 of my uncles have died.
A good friend of the family died - someone my parents have known since University.
2 great aunts have died.
1 great uncle has died.
My aunt has breast cancer.
1 friend of the family's son was killed - same age as my youngest brother and we all grew up together.
Dad has a heart problem, diabetes, and high blood pressure.
Mum has developed heart problems.
My parents were scammed out of almost 30K.
My brother threatened to kill himself twice (citing me as the reason for one of them).
Another brother also got severly depressed to a concerning level.
So, yeh, those are the key points of the last 5 years that I can think of right now. And it's a lot. And she's not coping with it all because it's far FAR too much to deal with when she pretends it's not happened as she's too busy with teaching and her own declinging health - she has MS. Instead, it comes out as anger and frustration and just meanness towards my Dad and I, and to a lesser extent my brothers.
2 of my brothers have given up on her, the third is her golden child so he doesn't get it nearly as bad as the rest of us do. I know that for my own mental sanity I should give up on her too - but I guess I'm just not programmed that way, and despite everything she says and does, there's a part of me that constantly excuses her behaviour and finds reasons for it. But it's exhausting and it's upsetting, and I don't have all that much mental and emotional strength left. So something needs to be done, and done soon before something irreparable happens.
But yay! I have a week to myself at home, and then I need to go back for a couple of days for my aunts 60th birthday party. But it's an arrive on Friday, leave on Sunday job - with all day Saturday being spent at 2 family gatherings. So I should be safe from stupidness - though I will need to deal with 'those looks' all day. I'm sure you all know what I mean.....
Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and that next year is better than this!
Enjoy the celebrations!
Lass
xx
