want to get me back

hi everyone i am back again for another rant. life at the moment seems so hard . i keep losing my temper for the slightist thing something i never did before . i hate this illness it makes me feel so angry . life has never been a bed of roses but this is too much now combined with everything else. i have always regarded myself as a strong person able to take on the world if need be for the sake of my kids . i have brought up 5 more or less on my own & was always proud of that . we have always been close but some how this cancer is comming between us. i know that they all have there own fears & have some insight into that as i lost my own loverly father to lung cancer nearly three years ago now still miss him so bad it hurts. in a way cancer is like a berevment in as much as when you are first diagnosied everyone rallys around doing this & that then after a while all the suport vanishes but its then that you need the suport the most.its like when my dad died everyone was there untill after the funeral then when that was over people got on with there lives & expected us to be ok but it was afterwards that i needed to talk & thats how i feel now . as though people think i have been ill to long & should be ok now . the chemo is over earlier than expected radio hasn't started as yet but i am still feeling ill still in pain very depressed .its not as though i don't see anyone my house is always full of people but they are not here to help to be quite honest a lot come for there own good to have drinks of tea meals etc they don't help in anyway its not what i want either nor is it what my children want . i have always been soft in this way maybe its the irish/italian in me that cannot refuse someone a meal if they are here when we sit down to eat but its getting to the point now that its every day . no matter what i say noone takes the hint . today i lost my temper & upset my eldest son who by the way is the one who helps me the most if i am honest i feel so gulity about that but my sister turned up yet again drunk & for some reason i ended up rowing with him he stormed out my daughter rang him for me to tell him i was sorry because i was so upset but its now 12.40am & he still hasnt come home . my daughter told me tonight that its like my kids don't know who i am any more she was upset but i liked her honesty because i know that the real me is still here inside but can't come out i am still the loving mum that they have always known but i feel different i act different but want to be me again . if that makes sense. all my life i have always been the one everyone turned to in a crisis but there is no one for me now in my crisis they still expect me to be the one to sort things out. last week my youngest sister was feeling unwell & rang me to talk about how she felt during the conversation she said i felt so poorly i nearly rang you to come to my house to help me . i am having trouble walking at the moment because the taxol has caused the skin to peel of my feet & to be quite honest i am having trouble doing the simplest of tasks she lives about five miles away from me & i dont drive so what would she wanted me to do . not once as she offered to help me in anyway even though she could have taken my other sisters children for a while to give me a break.but she expected me to go to her & help because she has a bad shoulder i don't doubt that she is in pain but i think she was being very selfish this is the kind of thing i have put up with for as long as i can remember when i say something about it they think i am being awfull & make me feel gulity . i am fed up of being the mug now but when i say anything its oh whats up with you & its made out to be my fault in some way yet my true friends agree with me & are angry with the way i have been treated during my illness .has anyone any ideas on how i can be assertive but not lose the plot when i am trying to get my point across because at the moment they don't listen unless i do i know its my own fault in many ways because in the past i have been at there beck & call but now i need to be here for me & my kids & to get our relationships back on track i love my children so much it hurts to see them look at me like i am a stranger i told my daughter that i am still in side but struggling to cope with my feelings about how i now look [after a double mastectomy ] & the chemo has left me feeling very weak. thank you for listening its made me feel better to write things down any advice would be greatly recieved love n hugs theresa xxxxxxxxx