hi everyone, been struggling with this second lot of chemo just don't feel like me , feely blue & very grummpy & very very tired, though sleep is not comming in long periods .i hate feeling like this its not my nature i like a quite type of life were everyone gets on but its me thats being tecthy. my youngest daughter thought i had turned into an alien tonight i think because i was getting upset about stupid things can't quite remember what now but i know they were silly things. i went into work today just to see my friends but it made me feel worse though i work with a great bunch of girls. i think it was seeing them working & usually i would be doing it with them today i was obselte i work with adults who have servere learning disibillities & one of the men who i am very close to seemed worried about my scarf it took him a while to remember me & normally he is around me straight away think i realised what he has had to put up with in his life. as since the hair has gone it seems so have i or others views of me or is this me feeling sorry for my self not sure which anymore.i also cannot consentrate on anything whats so ever writting this is hard work keep hitting wrong keys . why is it that the mastectomy was a breeze in the park compared to lossing my hair that sounds so daft my hair will grow back only surgery will sort out a recon . i think i need to give my self a kick up the rump or as my friend says give my head a shake. thank you for listening to my rant hopefully the self pity will be gone soon & i will be back i do hope so im getting on my own nerves ha ha. i think it could be the lack of sleep aswell seem to only manage two hours at a time & always needed eight though can't remember the last time that happened .the flushes don't help either . will go now try & get some more rest or read if i can see the book untill more sleep becons love n hugs to all treeze xxxx
FormerMember
If it is any comfort, I feel sorry for you. The daughter you say you are tetchy with, is this the one who did that lovely present for your birthday? I can't believe she is offended with you, because you must have been tetchy before. I have no doubt that she is not offended, but concerned about you feeling ill, not sleeping etc. You are her much loved, kind, tolerant mother, and she would forgive you even if you were much worse normally.
Your "customers" are bound to be confused, and it must be difficult for you to be there as a visitor. It looks completely different when you go as a visitor. I did it once, only went into the canteen when I was still on maternity leave, and felt horrible, actually panicky. I never go back except to work, for that very reason.
One day soon, you will be much better, but not until the chemo is finished. Then you have 8 weeks of wading through quick drying concrete and everything will be much better. Your hair will start to grow back, you will be able to sleep, and your mood will lighten. We will all be jealous of course, but never mind that.
This chemo has really got its teeth into you. It is hard-hitting both physically, but also to our brains, and I had the same struggle as you, with the concentration of a gnat. I know also that is is distressing going into work and seeing everyone getting on with what you want to be doing - that feeling that the sea has thrown you upside down on the rocks and everyone else is sailing away. You WILL get back to your real self - it is the chemo working your chemicals which is making you have these doubts, and I can understand very well how much your hair symbolises and means to you - of course it is making you feel self-conscious as well - perhaps something picked up intuitively by your clients with learning difficulties? One day very soon this chemo will evaporate, you will get yourself back and start to live again.
thankyou both for your kind words of encouragement .still feeling out of sorts but like you both said it will end & i will get back to my normal self ,yes ruth it was my youngest daughter who i upset yesterday & you are right she is concerned about me because we had a talk today she knows that this person at moment is not her mum as she knows her & has been very good about my little rant.she is 15 so realy it should be the other way round bless her but she has been so grown up its great to know that they are all so understanding. i don't know what i would have done without this site & the support that i have recieved you really are a fantastic bunch of people & i will always be gratefull to everyone who has so kind to me. going to try & sleep tonight havn't slept well since tuesday & think that is whats causeing my short fuse plus the steriods they are finished today so hopefully next couple of days they will be out of my system hope you both are ok & thank so much for being there for me with all my love n hugs treeze xxxx
