life is strange

hi every one thought i would post a blog been feeling sorry for myself these past couple of weeks no real reason . its like i had a big come down after the elation of being told i was in remission ,very strange because for the past year i have strived for those words ,but when it happened it was a bit of an anti climax no fireworks going off in the background or a brass band playing . i mean that i thought i would hear these in my head but nope total silence don't get me wrong i am not complaining i do realise how lucky i am & that lots of poeple on this site would love to be in my position though i am still left with the effects of the past year.bone pain, numbness in all limbs plus shoulder & my old coxyics problem . when i saw the consultant on the 6th he said he would refer me back to the breast clinic & they would see me within a couple of weeks so after not hearing from them i rang yesterday to be told its every six months that they will see me & they will send an appointment in the next five months.i was also told that i would need regular mamagrams told her this wouldn't be posable as i had ,had a bilateral mastectomy without recon in a way i felt let down as the lady i spoke to had dealt with me for the past year it wasn't just some faceless person i was talking to . i have read blogs before about the way i am feeling at the moment & i know that what i am going through is the fright of being left now to get on with it because i am all done .i understand that but going from talking to the same person over the past year who when i was on chemo seemed to know me inside out to almost being forgoten was a bit gut wrenching . i know that new people are in need & i have to move on now which i am trying to do .i wish the pain would go for good & that i didnt need pain relief i want to walk down the road in shoes that don't make my toes go numb . i want to do things without getting so tired after, that i have to sleep .these things will all happen i am sure but it is scary after all the attention that has been thrown at you while in treatment to go to virtually nothing .my family are a bit the same all better now so they think that i should be back to normal which i am in a lot of things like being mum but i am different now i feel different inside & look different on the outside so what is back to normal . when i first started out on my cancer journey i made jokes about what was happening told everyone i was going to set up the titless & witless club one member so far me anyone else want to join lol.i don't want this blog to come across as doom & gloom because though the last year has been hard there has been lots of good things to come out of it as well one of the good things is that my kids see me as a person now having seen me warts & all i am not just mum any more it took a while but we did get there in the end. i wish i could have the same relationship with my mum but its not possible we don't see life in the same way when bad things happen mum takes them as a personal thing to her she no longer laughs & no one can make her. most of her friends have given up visting along with much of the family but she cannot see what she is doing . its always somebody elses fault .when dad died everyone rallied around her doing what they could friends nieghbours & family but one by one she has destroyed the relationships with people because she can never say anything nice to anyone . my sister & brothers very rarely go anymore my other sister does but thats for her own gain ,the grandchildren have stopped going because when they do she shouts at them when they do go its what are you after . i used to go every day up untill last october when i became so ill that leaving the house was a struggle . now i find myself not wanting to go which then makes me feel guilty as she is my mum & i do love her but all she does is bitch about everyone it gets quite draining after a while . she has never liked me to be close to anyone she hated my husband ,she dislikes my friends since i have been divorced if i have had a relationship she dislikes them as well even though she dosn't know them i cannot win . i have just had a conversation with her over the phone for the past half hour she didn't say one nice thing when i try to tell her anything i am cut off mid sentence . so nothing ever gets said we just go around in circles about the same subject the past six months has been the subject of my friend doris who has helped me through the cancer mum hates her doris lost her husband through tradgic circumstances last october he was a very nice man . we helped each other get through what was happening to us at that time . she always drove me to my appointments & only missed two when peter died i think that shows what a true friend she is . mum is jealous of this friendship & when both are together in the same room its hard because doris knows that mum dislikes her so the feeling is now mutual piggy in the middle is not a nice postion to be in . i am just glad that i can talk to my children & they can come to me with anything they know that i won't judge them i mght not always like the problem but will sort it & they have come & we have sorted it so they know i will stand by my word if you like . well enough of me feeling sorry for myself i hope every one is having a good as days they can love n hugs theresa xxxx