hi everyone , just thought i would share my thoughts i am feeling really low at moment & had a bad day getting very ratty & upset over the slightest things . its just dawned on me apart from you guys i have no one i can confide in at all . i have lots of family & friends but that makes it even worse there are things you just cannot say to poeple . everyone says how are you i go fine thankyou how are you then the coversation ends into something else thats fine most of the time but there are days when i want to say well actualy i so scared its scary.or days i want to cry while someone gives me a hug but who i am scared of scaring everyone,i am sat here crying inside i want to stamp my feet & shout this is not fair i am not supoesed to be in this situation i have tried to lead a good life i havnt hurt anyone well not intetionaly if i ever did . i have been there for my children parents brothers sisters etc , when am i going to get some time that i can enjoy i always thought that would be my forties i can remember my mum enjoying days out & holidays with her friends that started when we grew up & good on her she derseved it she has worked hard all her life ,so is it wrong to want my time?. i have never been abroad all of my children have except the youngest who would never go anywhere with out me , i used to think i was scared of flying but really i was scared of living incase poeple thought i was a bad person that sounds pathetic now.now i want to do the things i deprived myself of i think i always did want to but thought everone else should have the first try god i sound like some kind of martyer i am sorry if it comes across that way i think i just lost who i was along the way of life ^& became a very good door mat . cancer has opened my eyes to lots of things a lot of it about how i have allowed my self to be walked on because lets face it i was the one who let them so who else do i blame.i am just feeling sorry for myself but mostly i am really scared of what the future holds this week has been very hard mentally & its taken its toll physically i feel very weak & dont fell like me anymore . i got my hair piece today its very nice but i feel so self consious in it everone says you cant tell but i i know everyone knows its a wig because the have seen me in scarfs so they can tell if you know what i mean . sometimes i think i am losing my mind i rammble on & lots of it dosnt make sense i think i find it hard to express what i do feel . the only thing at the moment i feel is scared lonely & sad sorry to pour all this out here but it has made me feel a bit better anyway thankyou so much all you lovely people on the other end of this machine my journey would be a whole lot harder without you good night & god bless treeze xxx
FormerMember
Hey there Treeze,
You poor thing, everything feels shitty, I know exactly how you feel ( I was so sick of people telling me how great I was doing, how well I looked, how positive I was.... I was so tempted to scream and shout and tear off the wig and tell them exactly how I felt.) There are some things that really need to be experienced before you can know what they are like ( not that I would wish chemo on anyone).... and talking to your usual circle of friends becomes difficult to say the least.
Everyone is different and has their own way of dealing with all this, but it sounds like you are low physically (I posted you about Neulasta on your last blog) and that really drags your mood down to the gutter, all I can really suggest is that you are good to yourself in the only way you know how.... a day alone in your house, a trip to the cinema, your favourite pasttime.... what ever floats your boat.... remember that you are your own "Best Carer", so care for yourself a bit.
I am thinking of you, your are in the pit and nothing is easy, for what it's worth, you'll crawl out sooner than you think,
Sending you love, hugs and what ever will bring a smile (even for a second), EJ x
Scream shout swear out loud but do what you have to do... and know that are so many people on this website who will always be there for you whatever their reason is to be on this website...
