Blogging is not something I've ever decided to do before, I never thought about writing a personal blog and apart from sharing my work as an artist I have never had anything important that I felt the need to share this way, until now!
The beginning of last year I started a new job, through my job I have met some really lovely people two of whom developed to be fantastic close friends, one of which developed further to become the love of my life. To fall in love with your best friend is such a wonderful thing and I've never been more certain about my love for someone and neither has he. I feel incredibly lucky to have found such a special person and someone who in a relatively short time (compared to many people who might read this) has taught me so much about myself, made me feel secure and more adored than I have ever felt in my life.
The one thing which makes our love and time together even more special but slightly tainted with sadness is the fact that he has stage 4 metastatic melanoma. I knew he had cancer from when I first got to know him because he is badly scarred down one side of his neck and head where the melanoma first grew, so it raises conversation. It took a while for me to find out how serious the situation is because he doesn't like to talk about it very much as that is his way of coping with it. When I first found out, I had already found him to be one of the loveliest people and was deeply fond of him so I found it a shock to know the truth about the Cancer. It didn't change how I felt about him and his friendship although I found it hard to adjust to the idea of it, and there was a little part inside of me that felt scared to get closer to him in the fear of losing him. However the knowledge of his cancer did nothing to stop the development of my feelings for him and I realised that I couldn't hold back how I felt because of it. I am so glad I didn't because although I know we have a very difficult road ahead of us and I will have to live with the knowledge on a daily basis that I will lose him (in who knows how long as we don't have a prognosis right now) I am grateful for every minute I spend with him and feel lucky that we have whatever time there is together.
Planning our future together is almost impossible which leads me to the title of the blog which is "one step at a time", that is how I am currently coping with the situation. I can't plan too far ahead because I don't know how long we have but at the moment I am looking as far ahead as September when he has his next CT scan in London. We are both heading towards it with much trepidation because it could be a turning point. So far the tumours in his lungs have grown slowly which is promising and it's only been a few millimetres since Feb, but I have noticed quite an increase in wheezing and he said he is feeling more breathless lately which we are concerned about. All we can do is wait and see what this scan brings for us and make some plans from there.
I feel I will need to be in contact with others who are having to deal with the idea of losing their loved one and with us only being 27 it would be nice if there were other people out there who are young and facing a similar problem. I know age doesn't change how hard this is and it's dreadful for everyone going through it and that is why I joined Macmillan "What Now" and I am hoping that by keeping a blog of my experiences it may help others and help me keep strong through all that is to come.
My thoughts are with all of you either suffering or having to watch someone suffer with this awful illness!
xxx Tori
