Life throws challenges at you, the choices you make to beat them come from within and are maximised by the support that you receive from others. But without your own inner fire, determination and desire it wouldn't be possible. Play to win, find the motivation to rise above the challenge even when there are dark days, all things pass and balance is restored. Keep on moving forward.
Yesterday I graduated from chemo camp !! They say time flies when you are having fun, it also flies when you are on a chemo regime. I honestly hope is a very, very, very long time before I have any further installations !!
It's was 7 months yesterday that my life changed and I have never been more grateful for what I feel is my 2nd chance in life. It's been a huge learning curve and I've fondly referred to this as my career break, just not on a sunny island like I would have preferred. I am truly blessed that I have felt supported all round in my journey and haven't suffered as much as others.
What has this experience taught me so far ...that cancer like most things is a
relay race, some people will start the race with you , with all good intentions
and then drift off, some will join you in the middle and others will last the
distance and cross the finishing line with you. It's not always the people you
expect that are there for you, which serves as a reminder to not have
expectations of anyone apart from yourself : )
Everyone's involvement at any stage is a blessing and has a purpose, teaches
you a lesson or is beneficial one way or another. There is no need to be upset
when people move on or drop off as was just their time in a very long race :)
I've learnt that cancer tests all your preconceived thoughts and ideas about
yourself and what you believe, it digs up old wounds and weaknesses, it gives
you reminders of things you need to let go off and strings you need to tie up
and leave behind. It also shows you your strengths, coping strategies,
determination, motivation and courage. It shows you how adaptable you are and
how acceptance is key. It's like the biggest personal upheaval you can face and
a test of how you adapt to the challenge - sink or swim, you do have a choice.
In 7 months everything about me has changed, not just my external package, I
will never be the old Sassy, but instead a new me is emerging .I used to be scared
of how others would see me and then I realised that anyone who struggled to
accept the new me, was part of the past too and didn't really know the person
inside. After all my personality hasn't changed that dramatically - I was
always crazy, outspoken and at times blunt ! But my pushiness, positivity and
determination has seen me through this - being authentic when people doubted me
at the beginning and thought I was in denial or my positivity wouldn't last !!
Ha proved you wrong eh ? Positivity is not always about being happy, no one is
happy everyday - but positivity is knowing better days will come, that there is
always hope and making the best out of difficult situations and letting them change
you for the best.
8 months ago I was rushing around, working endless hours and my priorities and
worries were definitely in the wrong places, I am grateful for the wake up call
of this diagnosis to CTRL+ALT+DEL my settings . It's given me a chance to
rethink what I want from life and what I need to change to restore balance in
my life.
So yesterday I was full of a mixed bag of emotions, relief, happiness, fear and apprehension...I never take chemo for granted and at the moment the side effects are at bay until super steroids wear off tomorrow. I feel proud of myself for getting through this part of my treatment, I'm two thirds through now and rads to come in the new year.
I was saddened briefly by a friends refusal to see the new me and instead them harping on about my old self the long flowing locks and boobs and i realised this was their problem - I am accepting of my asymmetric self and my prosthesis is convincing, I'm making peace with my new chemo curves, they have kept me strong and healthy in this fight, I love the changes losing my hair has brought and the chances I can take now with new styles and colours when it grows back !! The ultimate makeover !! Sure I have challenges ahead in my new external shape but challenges are workable and i am alive !!
Sure I don't know if this treatment has worked and won't until my 1 year anniversary and I'm facing reality that my nasty cells spread out of lymph and the aggressive rads is to knock any stragglers at bay - but I feel strong and hopeful. That's all we can hope for.
You gotta be strong enough to walk on through the night (yeah)
There's a new day on the other side (yeah)
You've got to have hope in your soul
Just keep on walkin', woah, woah, yeah
