Day 3 post 3rd cycle of FEC boo yaaa !! In one hand I am so grateful to be done with FEC but in another I am scared of the dreaded Tax that follows. FEC hasn't treated me too badly really, the first round with the retching oooh that ah*t was not nice, but every cycle the nausea on ground zero day lessened, although the prolonged gastric stuff not been so nice, But actually you get used to it, know your coping strategies, expect not to eat or eat carbs for 5 /6 days and that the food cravings will kick in and for me they are proteins mmmm bacon. Then your energy days where i meet friends for lunch, squeeze in the cinema etc...LIVE like i'm not on chemo ...and drag myself back to oncology with a bump for he next installation.
So my birthday was awesome, chemo didn't slow down my party spirit and two late nights on the bounce, without Jagermeister I'm still as nuts without alcohol and it makes no difference. A very moving night with all my friends sporting wigs and then we swapped to he bald look. Being publicly bald on your birthday is kinda liberating and one of my besties shaved the straggles of my hair off to help me officially join the boy zone :) I can honestly say I've been blessed throughout my journey, I look back and read my worries about losing my breast and how I adapted well and worries of losing my hair and yet how as family & friends we've made it light hearted and no where near as upsetting as I thought it might be.
I know my lovely friends found that difficult, I see and feel their sadness, but I was me, a lighter, brighter , balder version of me, rocking the Dr Evil look in style. My hair didn't define me but it was a large part and a signature I guess. But I feel free now and able to consider after my treatment I'm going to be sooo adventurous with shaved styles and crops. Funky times ahead. We spent my birthday night dressed like Mike Tyson in Hangover with tribal tattoos love it !! The next morning after sleeping with my drunken buddies on the floor , I rose like a bald meercat with the sun bursting off my bald head and set off a huge bunch of giggles in the room. One of my besties said later in the week, I'm not going to lie , it initially upset me - but now all I see is your unchanged face and big smile . Ha I'm smiling as i've lost the lady tache and eyebrow stragglers that were so time consuming ha ha ..I am sooooo not looking forward to body hair returning !! So much time saved not shaving, waxing and plucking lol ....laser treatment after for me !!
I've been thinking a lot about life lately, trying to keep the balance, ensure that I learn from this experience. I had a very honest discussion with my consultant and my friends & family - the kind of conversation they really don't want to hear but I have to be honest and accepting, life is unpredictable anyway. The consultant was marvellous, empathetic and honest - hello I really am a human , feeling person - amazing !! I had the chance to discuss my treatment plan and their decisions, she was really thoughtful and considered my life. With the way my cancerous cells have spread, it has always concerned me whether chemo would be enough, the decision to not take my pectoral muscles is not ideal as she said but they didn't want to leave me with a permanent disability plus they don't know the extent. I appreciated her honesty and the consideration and she said we hope more than anything that the intensive radiotherapy and chemo combination will work. We shared a nice moment of eye contact when I said, you know I know not everything is curable and hey getting to remission for as long as possible sounds like a great plan to me. I'm not naive enough or deluded to think everyone is cured and that cancer itself is a tough opponent, unpredictable, hides and waits for vulnerabilities or opportunities to bounce back or creep out. It's life no drama, to truth be said is you keep living, make the best of things, I've no plans to meet the grim reaper yet and have time to do the things I want to - I hope ! LOL That Red Cross tv advert of the person beating cancer and then choking on a burger whilst recovered is a bit harsh !! But reality is that, unpredictable and unexpected - keep living life and waste no time.
This sounds a little reflective as always sure, and facing your own mortality in a serious illness is normal and healthy I guess. It's hard for my family and friends to consider my life expectancy may be shorter than before and I smile when some well meaning people say oh gosh so and so had this and 30 years later blah, blah. I'd like that to be my story too and sure there is no prognosis on bloody mindedness and determination, so let's just live. I am grateful for everyday, every memory, every thing - maybe not X Factor and want to continue to feel this way and not get lost in the abyss of work and busy life again once I reach my remission. Sure normality has to creep in, but i never want to lose the balance, the acknowledgement that life isn't just a career or fitting people in or a blur of rushing from place to place, one meeting, one deadline etc etc
So here I am happy to be another year older, still feeling amazing and surrounded by loving, supportive friends and family that I really have more time for with many, many, many more days and nights of memories to create ahead...choose life - never stop- never waste precious time, for time cannot be made up for later. :)
All the crazy SH*T we did tonight, that will be the best memories ...I just wanna let it go for the night, that would be the best therapy for me .....<3
