Gangnam style conspiracy theory - really ?? Wow !! The people behind that hoax must have made some money and sure had some balls !!
So whilst everyone bantered about the Mayan end of the world and I'm sure pregnancy rates will have a boom in September 2013 , I reflected how my diagnosis had already given me the opportunity to get my house in order. Nothing like this to make you sort out who is who in your life !! People have definitely come and gone this year. The precious time I was wasting on the wrong people reclaimed, the lose strings of the past tied up ..it has been a fast track to get back on track. I've had plenty of opportunities to have laughs and make new memories in this time too so it's not been all bad. Far from it !
One of my friends said how on New Years Day last year I had said this year I'm going to make more time for friends and family and get my priorities right - oh how right that was ! It's ironic that I didn't set resolutions, I made statements of what I HOPED the year would bring obviously a diagnosis didn't feature but everything I stated has happened ...a more balanced life - well not being a workaholic for 7 months has helped , more time for friends - check !!, a healthier diet - thanks chemo, financial balance - surprisingly so, regular exercise - ok not the fast paced kicking action I hoped for but definitely a daily feature now. Love ...well in some ways this appeared briefly too :)
Be careful what you wish for or it just might happen. I definitely believe there is something powerful about words and thoughts - I don't believe in your subconcious bringing ill health to you or punishing you, don't get me wrong. I'm not sure that wishing for Will Smith will mean that he will dump Jada and fly over and sweep me up in his arms ...or that you will win the lottery as let's face it we have all mapped out how we would spend it in out minds. But I do think we can affect how we feel by what we say or think. Go figures really, if you write OMG I'm having a bad day, does it make your day better ? Surely more bad things are collected and added to the day. Including like minded negative people to share their woes - not reassure you it will get better. Misery seeks company !! Likewise if you are having a good day and put that out there doesn't it keep getting better ? Lots of positive remarks from others and smiles making more smiles :)
Everyone has bad days and dark thoughts, we wouldn't be human if we didn't .I don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging and expressing how you feel, you most definitely should, but my uber optimism means that I naturally counterbalance negative thoughts when they appear and steer away from too much time in the dark side. My last Tax dose tested this and for a week my mood was low, I felt like I was grieving, unexpected tearfulness, reminded me of when my mum died, you would just cry whenever the first few weeks. What did I note about my testing week with Tax - that I shut down and didn't share my misery with anyone, I rode through the storm in private as I hate sharing misery or asking for help. I'm not suggesting this is a good thing, it's just how I am and how I cope. It made me reflective of my life and consider what had come and gone and the positive outcome of a week of low spirit (with me there is always a positive) is it made me more emphatic of what other people must feel and struggle with as for a few days the urge to stay absorbed in my cocoon of misery was great but my drive for life pulled me out reminding me of all the things I want to achieve. I shook myself down and gave myself a daily to do list - I'm a girl who needs aims and outcomes !! We all need some kind of reason, purpose or occupation in life I believe and when that wanes so does your motivation.
I reflected that without a diagnosis we take too much for granted, always assume there is another day another chance. We sit on the fence at times putting off decisions and sometimes stay in situations that make us unhappy from fear of change. We potter along on jobs, relationships, even hairstyles that don't suit us, fit us any more or make us happy. We clutter our lives with possessions, invitations, events, cr*p friends , mindless television and sometimes hide in alcohol or drugs to enhance the boredom of everyday living, cos we aren't really living - until Cancer calls. Cancer is an unexpected, unwelcome dramatic change - hello here I come let's pull everything out and start again !!
What have I shared in my defragmentation of life with my friends - enjoy it, do what you love and who you love LOL ...quit the crap job, take chances, learn something new, tell people what you think LIVE don't EXIST. Why does it take this to realise this ? My diagnosis has changed my friends and families lives and after they got over their initial thoughts of this isn't fair they have all started to make changes and challenges in their life and that makes me grateful for this unwanted diagnosis. I love the fact my friends are challenging their lives and living !! It's a reminder to me to keep moving forward too, to make the changes I need to Whilst I will never be happy this has happened to me, I can accept it and be grateful of the options it's provided me with
I will never be the person I was in many respects and is that a bad thing ? The old me needed a wake up call - maybe not as dramatic as this but the new me is equipped with a lot of upgrades to move forward with and everyday I am getting more comfortable in my skin and getting stronger. Life is truly good.
Chemo is a closed chapter nearly just the side effects remain and the urge and pull to get back to work and a sense of normality is ever present now. Patience is key now, no rushing back to old habits, time to practise what I've learnt on my career break will be coming soon. A new challenge That excites me ...we all need a sense of purpose to feel fulfilled, I've got so much I want to do, I'm grasping this 2nd chance and wanting to fill it with all I can and not waste the precious time I have been given. So for me I don't need anything for Xmas except my health or maybe some eyelashes ...oh and my digestive system to work !!
#You've only got one shot, so make it count : )
