So, this is me - overly enthusiastic and hyped. Sometimes a major irritant to people with my boundless energy and enthusiasm for life. I'm the uber optimist ! So understandably sharing bad news does not come naturally to me - and for the last two days I have left friends in tears and feeling bad when I chirp away that I've had bad news, I'm going to need you to be there for my kids but don't worry I'm all Charlie Sheen about this - WINNING!!
Around late March I first noticed a small hard lump in my breast, I said to myself don't worry about it , give it a week and if not see a GP. I've no time to be ill !! A week later I noticed a larger hard swelling in my armpit and again so, well you've had a flu virus it's probably just my glands it'll pass.
I resisted my usual urges to Google search symptoms - that's a first! And carried on with the manic life I choose to lead. A couple of weeks passed and my breast felt tender and I thought, actually I need to get this checked.Bold as brass I whipped my top off to the horror of the Gp - I jest ! My humour is a coping strategy :) he referred me to Breast Clinic, even then I was like it could just be because I've had a virus right ? I should explain that I also have silicone implants so I guess partially I was thinking they may have ruptured and that worry of cost was present.How ridiculous that sounds now !
My first appointment at Breast Clinic was somewhat different to what I anticipated, I naively thought I'd have a mammogram, nooo I had the full works, very impressive. Consultation, mammogram, which showed silicone and nothing else ! Very hard by the way to move silicone in the same was as normal soft breast tissue, mine are like rubber bumpers lol All you lovely ladies with soft boobies are easier to scan :)
Ultrasound followed with a core biopsy to lymph node in left armpit measuring about 3.7 and fine needle analysis ? in my 2 smaller lumps in my left breast 1.5 and 2.2 ...two !! Seriously !! I knew that they would come back for a further biopsy there if they couldn't see enough from the FNA , they already informed me of that but warned me it may rupture my silicone - as if that is really going to matter if you are dealing with cancerous cells?? - but guess if it had been all clear and your breast deflated you would have been a lil p****ed with that intervention.
A day before my appointment for results, I was called by the specialist breast nurse to book me in for an urgent MRI, I was extremely suspicious and questioned my results, she repiled, they were inconclusive today but that might change by tomorrow - HA ! The great white lie - having supported my mother through Leukaemia I know how these little bends of the truth emerge. Where I had refrained from googling anything, suddenly I felt compelled to search why MRI is used in diagnostics and had my doubts confirmed , for severity of cancer but also if there are silicone implants for clarity.
My gut instincts told me the next day was going to have a conversation that went two ways, we have bad news or we need to test you further. I got both. My very lovely consultant said , we've looked at the results from your biopsy and it's not good news. My instinct to be strong and require facts kicked in , but as they then added they wanted to do a bone scan tomorrow my tears fell. The panicked thought it could be even worse jumped up at me.I am a single mother of two amazing teenagers and suddenly I felt how will I tell them ??
Anything else really relevant from that meeting disappeared - they were amazingly supportive, I used my standard humour strategy to lighten the mood but dissolved into tears whilst having blood taken, don't normally cry over a small prick -poor guy wasn't his fault. I was blessed to have a best friend with me who was able to absorb information, as my brain was stuck on the , it's not good.
So here I am 2 days later, yesterday I was full of radiation and dye so my bones and major organs were scanned. I've another biopsy in the breast tissue next week and an MRI, all my results then go to the multi disciplinary panel for treatment planning and they will discuss this with me on the 17th.The problem is the pesky cancerous cells in my lymphatic system, that tumour in my pit isn't the primal tumour and it's broken off and come from somewhere else. Ideally my breast so is a self contained area, rip it off and pump me with chemo I guess. Crude description I know. But the horrible knawing fear I am trying to ignore (hence blogging distraction) is that it's in my bones.
I talked chemo with my nurse, I'm young (relatively) so guess that's my treatment option before surgery and hell yeah, blast the heck out of anything else remotely cancerous in my body please. I've been there and seen that with my mum so think bring it on, seriously why would anyone refuse treatment that can extend or preserve life ?
Know what the weirdest thing right now - I feel well - that's a good thing I know and am grateful, but I'm preparing for the unknown. My control freak nature is implementing contingency plans - who can walk the dog, who will wash up etc - stupid things, in preparation for the fatigue of chemo and surgery.I'm preparing for when I won't be the 100 mile an hour person that everyone knows I am and whilst I can postively acknowledge that actually maybe it's an enforced lifestyle change that will benefit me in the long run ..maybe learning to care for me a bit better without developing cancer would have been the preferred option.
My heart breaks when I think how I will share this news with my kids -
