One week post inconclusive diagnosis for primal tumour hidden in the realms of my body. Ok,so we kno the lymph node is secondary - who came first ?
How am I feeling ? Well the blinkin diagnostic tests have really screwed me thanks, I was trotting around my hectic life with these lil cancerific tumours inside me with no obvious problems and uber energy and 1 week on after every test (i hope) is completed I already feel like a new woman.A woman with a head to toe rash ...
Let me break it down.....Bone scan this was an easy one, in and out for a short period like a human photocopier, injected with some form of radiaoctive substance - this one felt cold as it went up your arm , I imagined I was getting some superhero strength, radio active girl ! The images are amazing tho, so that was easy, next ...
The same day some 45 minutes after - CT scan with contrast, please sit and drink a jug of water - Not a problem i've been fasting since last night it's now 2pm. You then lay on another table and are inserted into a another human photocopier erm scanner actually. They take one set of images and then the 2nd set after inserting the contrast dye in your arm. It warms your body, and you immediately feel a warmth like you have peed yourself - ha ! Luckily the lovely radiologist told me in advance or I would have been shocked by the sensation. This one left me itchy, I didn't relate this to the dye until after the MRI as they didn't advise me of side effects - hmmm not such a good thing on their part.
A repreive from tests over the weekend - but the horrific task of upsetting my loved ones as I gently broke the news, People reactions are so different - Little My is absolutely right - I had the omg and panickers, the controllers, the let's do this and the magicians - poof lol
Fast forward to Wed and my personal avengers assembled, my daughter told (not my son- hmmmm ) and huge amounts of let's kick cancer's ass and anyone that says sorry !!!!
Biopsy again, radiologist confuses me -my understanding and possible hope is that my lil tumours in my breast nestled against my sili- cone (this is renamed oviously) could be the naughty primal tumours but oh no the grim reaper in disguise adds to the conspiracy that it could be somewhere else and lets not rupture your implants in the process - seriously ? I was like ....come again? My consultant wants enough tissue to see if this is a winning pair and she was like well it may not be that so let's not be too hasty...hmmm thanks for fuelling the nagging doubts woman.
This core biopsy hurt and I have a high pain threshold, after the first one I went to Muay Thai and kicked ass - this time I wen to bed to rest up - if I was a (ninja) in a video game it would have said battery life remaing 50% - so 40 winks and food and back up with energy later that evening :) Poor left breast saying wtf !! The last thing she said I really hope you have enough tissue sample - err so do I forget doing that again and if you do just go deep and rupture my silicone woman. Of course I never said any of this I smiled and was pleasant and grateful.
Thursday - well what can I say, I went to the department a blaze with energy and omg dragged myself home with sheer determination. Right first complaint, if they knew there were side effects possible to contrast dye - or die I will rename this -then tell paitents in advance and advise you get a life maybe ?? I walked in with my cancer swag on, I've got cancer and what I'm positve bruv .... After 30minutes of molecular defragmentation and injection of contrast I couldn't get up - seriously!
Seriously WTF !! The tunnel itself, is a little restrictive if you don't like confined spaces, you lie face down tits (sorry) in two careful cut out holes, silicone doesn't hang lol ...and head down like on a massage table - oh I wish. I was nervous but thought I can do this.The noise is like bad techno bleep, bleep , bleep ...you can feel a pull of your body in places that's strange and even though I had Amy Winehouse in my headphones I couldn't hear her and my body tried to go with the bleeps (I was thinking I need lasers here) Positive calming reassurement I offered myself as ass up tits down in this room you are alone with no reassurance. Half way thru the dye is injected cold fills your body, snaking up your arms ...
Ok....They pulled me out and initially I felt so disorientated it was like a high without the Heyyyyyy
My blood pressure was low, dizziness, disorientated, my everypart of my body hurt - I couldn't physically move for about 10 minutes ...and then forced myself up and to get dressed. The radiologist Libby was lovely and worried. They still at this point didn't tell me about side effects even when I was saying , is this normal ? She said don't leave straight away, but being the control freak I am I was like I NEED to get home to bed and safety. I floated to my car - I admit I was scared now. Luckily I am 10 mins in a car and managed to get home without playing real life Grand Theft Auto
I googled contrast dye side effects - as by then I had shortness of breath, aching all over , my lightheaded light beer head was filled with thoughts omg i must be full of cancer if I am feeling like this. To my relief my side effects matched how I felt but even worse was the description of allergic reaction and all people who blogged hadn't been advised before the treatment of the side effects !!
I was a contender for total wipeout went to bed, it scared me too....My friend picked up on my fear and came over, I had dragged myself to the settee and forced water into my system, flush it out !!!!! My son was worried, he said 'you really aren't well are you mum ?' couldn't raise my normal defence mechanism shield here - guess it's a gentle introduction to how chemo will be for him
Sooooo several hours passed and battery restored to 60% and even the next morning I struggled to jump up - be warned people ! I got into work on low battery and felt energy rise throughout the day but by 5pm 24 hours later I was itching so much and had bone and muscle pain in my hands I called Macmillan nurse who was wonderfully reasuring. It's a side effect, did they not warn you ....hmmmmm
Here I am itchy girl, I've noticed that heat makes it flare up, stubble, dog hair - uber sensitive skin now , red white and grey not blue at the moment lol .,..maybe was a lil green that was my inner Hulk showing
So, I am convinced that diagnostic tests albeit helpful need to come with a warning !!
6 days till the big reveal, they meet at MDT Monday, I am scared they will call me in earlier - stupid huh ? Altho I am a superhero clearly I have this nagging morbid doubt it's gonna be this is worse than I imagine...altho hey I can get all martyish on think the worse
Anyway enough rabbles, personally telling my loved ones has been shit, I can't imagine disclosing diagnosis to people everyday how awful - especially knowing some of us will kick, fight and bite like me and others will sob and give in. No retreat, no surrender, no back down - I'm trained to kill. Dieeeeeee Cancer !!!!
