Geez I woke up on the wrong side of bed today - how does this explain being a grumpy, anti social git ??
It's a beautiful day and I'm loving the warmth on my skin, my slower paced life and the fact I can lay in the sun....for I have a feeling I will have that taken away soon too.
Today I feel pretty annoyed about the absence of lefty and that poor righty is styling it out on her own. I notice all the women's curves and symmetry and whilst I have a pretty damn good imposter hiding in my new sporty like bras - It's not the same . Throws toys on floor and sulks !! I want my booby back, so I can run around town in vests, boob tops , low necklines, bikinis and sexy underwear !! Sure I am making the best of it and trying to wear all normal clothes with some creative placement and layering but I want to be like the girls on the beach yesterday carefree whipping their tops off - without scaring people in nearing vicinity.
Told you I was a grump !! Ok, so of course I'm grateful for my life, my health (as only having breast cancer isn't as unfortunate as some) and family and friends. Altho I am sure I'm pushing the limits on some friendships - some are testing my limits and paitence anyway !!
And there is more ....I have been unconventionally rehabing my arm & shoulder and forcing cooperation , geez I took range of motion for granted didn't i ? Hands up who wants their freedom of movement back too - oh wait you can't quite do that can you ?? It is improving, sure it is ...it's a month Sassy stop beating yourself up !! Oh but wait - what was that ...they may want to open you open and remove more muscle ?? Oh yeah I thought I heard that too - perhaps I sent that statement straight to my De Nial - Do Not Think About It pile.
Wonder what happens if they remove muscle? Will I look even more concave on one side ? Will it make a difference to my posture ? My strength ? My ability to work as a therapist ? My ability to have this delayed reconstruction ?
Why is cancer such a ******** ******* that really cares not who you are or what you have/ had in your life. Hello I'm cancer let me turn everything you know upside down, regardless of how positive you think you are -I'm gonna test you to the limits ...grrrrrrr...uh oh the green is rising and clothes creaking like they may rip. Actually that may happen as sitting on my enlarging arse and eating more for the past 3 months is testing my waistband on clothes too. Man I need to get my lardy lazy ass back to the gym - who stole my motivation too ??? Was it attached to lefty ?? Hey at least it wasn't my personality -oops lets say no more on that subject....
It's a week since my doc said I'll call you ...I've a week left. So let's write off this grump and not waste anymore time thinking about it ...but that's not true is it ? I can feel that build up lurking deep within, regardless of any smile I wear for myself or others, I can feel my apprehension and fear growing. What will he say ? I know he will make the right decision and that I am in safe hands...but that's it , it's none of it in my control...they will call me, they will book me in , they will do what's necessary to exile cancer from my body ...I will co-operate ....I am scared. Of course I am and screw you anyone else that hasn't been here and tells me that my fear is pointless. For those that have waited for results or treatments, you get me right ? I know what the last op felt like and sure i recovered well - doesn't mean I want that repeated within a month of the last one !! I've just got my freedom back.
Forward planning - geez was it only 6 months ago I could be that assumptious to book things in advance - will I get that back by next year please...?? I am spontaneous I agree and that's great but wouldn't it be nice to not be on edge of a call up from a surgeon and an oncologist ...hello Sassy are you free - let's hook up - tomorrow !! Man that's not the spontaneity I want.
Ok so, I started this blog, with sunshine - check, one boob - check....curly tailed dog ah ha ....my partner in crime. My dog is my secret confidant - when I ignore the calls, the texts and messages she walks steadily beside me and says nothing when I cry ...she lays beside me in the sun saying nothing but showing her love ....ok, so the lil devil cried for 2 hours until I got up this morning but hey no one is perfect.
