So today I half expected to be greeted with the same warmth my surgeon has - oh how wrong was I !! The fact my BC nurse appeared unexpectedly says a lot I think and actually I was grateful for the support.
Cue Oncologist - we know all about you ...do you know why you are here ?
Me : Umm this is a trick question right ? ummm yes....
ONC: So you know what is happening at the moment in relation to your diagnosis & treatment ?
Me: (Extremely puzzled and on backfoot) Ummm yes I mean I've had a Mx & anx clearance and the biopsy results said it's spread to my pecs and I'm kinda hoping chemo and rads is going to fix that right ?
ONC: Yes, you still have cancer in your body and we are hoping through interventions to eradicate them...
She then reads me all the side effects of chemo, and tells me how this can cause womb cancer but don't worry we can fix that, blah blah this can cause further cancer, excessive radiation may cause long term effects or even cancer , the Herceptin can affect your heart ...is it me or am I the only one thinking maybe this is why Caron Keating opted out of treatment. It gets better - NOT
I felt at numerous points, she was reading a disclaimer, but also I was a lump of meat...oh you are divorced, ok so your periods will probably finish anyway so your fertlity will be over - hang on...no options to consider freezing, or am I that much of a lost cause ? How do you know I haven't got a new partner - did you ask ?
First tactless shocker that actually made me look at my nurse and back at ONC, ok so because it's also spread from your lymph nodes we will need to do radiotherapy in multiple places - I'm like hang on ? Why have I NEVER heard this before even when I asked about my once was lymph nodes ...so my wonderful cancer cells clearly wanted to eek into other places, not content with the snug space in my breast and moving to my arm pit ..blo*dy ambitious buggers. So I now need to be lasered (tazered) in chest wall, we will try not to damage your heart,but your lungs maybe ...your armpit once was lymph and oh above your collar bone/ neck area ...F***ing great.
I was thinking - you say I'm in denial - but hang on have you actually explained how advanced this sh*t is to me ?? I think not baby puppy. Her best line after explaining also that they would use Herceptin, when I was initially told I wasn't HE2 positive ..is it's curable -FOR NOW !! Are u for real ??
That is all my mind heard on replay for a good while and the thought of prematurely checking out from my teenagers was something too painful to even imagine.
So I have 'an intense and aggressive treatment plan' according to my ONC - am I high 5ing here ? Are you happy to consent ....I said does anyone ever not sign ?? Only the ones that can choose to have chemo as they are borderline ..and I thought or people that are scared sh*tless by the doom and gloom that I'm gonna die anyway if not now later, if not by BC , then a secondary or by heart probs ...need I go on ??So why not have a painless life without interventions - wow can I REALLY be beginning to understand CK after all ??
To say I was a little 'numb' after that experience and all the ECG, bloods, booking for a Muga etc would be an understatement. I had major eye leakage in my safe haven of reflexology and let out my fears of having treatment and it not working , leaving my kids - that is unthinkable and eventually swung back round to thinking it's ok, I can do this and I need to think of what I want to do when this gets knocked back into remission.
I'm creating a bucket list , for I have no time to sit and mope , need to keep focused, live this life and not merely exist. According to Onky Donky no diet or holistic interventions will help...just drugs ..cue Sassy singing ...the drugs don't work , they just make it worse !! Let's just hope these ones do as they are supposed to and blast these rogue cells into minute pieces and never let them reform successfully - like Take That !!
Hmmmmm the anger will subside, the disappointment fade, the reality mehhh that's her take on it ...there is more to healing and recovery than just chemo, rads and hormone interventions - she may not rate diet , complementary therapies and exercise - by I DO !!
Sassy the Warrior will return in the morning xoxox
