Dear Diary it's been 6 weeks since my last chemo .....

3 minute read time.

FormerMember

15 Jan 2013

Can you believe it ??

Well half the population will have quit their new year's resolutions by now and the gym's will be greedily rubbing their hands at the money for nothing for people not making it back to the gym....BUT not me !!

I'm all ready to start radiotherapy next week and can't believe that I could well be on the last legs of this treatment plan. I say this with all fingers crossed and hope that chemo and rads will have done their job and I can genuinely move ahead with my life.

It's a strange feeling right now, I am feeling physically stronger, my energy is pouring back it's exciting !! I've upped my exercise and that in itself is pushing serotonin through my body. It's bizarre how quickly it returns, one day I was struggling for breath and my heart racing whilst walking my dog, the next I was power walking and dragging my dog behind me and thought hang on ?!! In the same way it deteriorates over night, it also improves. Ok, so to get to my pre diagnosis fitness that will take a bit of time but I have high hopes it will happen and optimistically I've set myself some fitness challenges for this year including Moonwalk with a new friend who finished chemo in November. Yayyy. London are you ready for my decorated bra !! I'm also planning to turn Race for Life into a social walk with friends to honour the lovely Annabel RIP.Not every race has to be a fast one.

I've started to plan my return to work - phased of course, the 100mph Sassy isn't rushing any more - and of course the immediate politics of work reappear. What is it with people ? I've been through diagnosis, surgery, chemo and soon to be rads and lastly hormones (never a good thing) I've woken up and realised there is a hell of a lot more to life and yet the people - NOT ALL !!- you work with , who clearly haven't experienced life changing illness or lost a relative to a disease , want to f*** you over and go back to the competitive school bullying rubbish ...it;s like hello ??? You may not value your life but I SURE as hell do. I have no idea how long I may have left and I'm not wasting it arguing at work !! I've given my friends the option to slap me if I get caught back up in it , they like this prospect funnily enough.

So all feels good and that sometimes feels scary. Why ? Well one bright sunny morning in April last year I felt the same, marching in the woods with my dog, 'Everything is so good....if only I didn't have this lump in my armpit' Will we ever lose the fear of the future now ? A year ago I would never think this would happen let alone what if this comes back ? Now I think - if it does I hope I've got enough sick leave, I hope I can claim on insurance, and most importantly I hope I can beat the cr*p out of this !! It's bizarre that I've not even finished this fight and I'm thinking of a potential rematch. I don't want this to be a movie sequel or box set !!

Guess this is the legacy of cancer , you have the incredible highs of starting to feel better once the side effects of chemo lessen , you cope with the straggling side effects - hot flushes yuk , joint pains and tiredness that acts as a pace maker and reminds you you've been ill and had toxic chemicals pulsating though your body. I've got gamma rays to aid my superhero ambition :) Maybe this is what people who haven't been through this don't understand. They think oh well your treatment is over you will ping back into your pre diagnosis life, like a yummy mummy jumping back into her size 8 jeans. Hmmmmmmmmmm

To be continued ....

FormerMember over 11 years ago

Hi lovely. I'm about to have chemo 3 and see it as a momentous moment in my life as it means I will be half way through chemo! I was due to have it last Friday, but my white blood cell count let me down, so chemo got delayed. I had been marching along the battle route, feeling pretty chirpy and pleased with myself until the set back happened and was taken aback at how much it affected me. I crumbled like a leaf and wanted to be left alone - a whole load of crap emotions came out!! I've picked myself up and I'm marching again, but the episode shook me up and made me realise just how vulnerable I actually am underneath my armored smiley exterior. I relate to your comments about other people's view on post cancer treatment. So many people say to me "it will soon be all over and things will be back to normal" - arrrrrggghhhh!!!! I am an optimist etc, etc, etc, but me, my life and things will never be back to normal after this. I just smile and nod as, like you say, people who haven't been through this don't understand. Post treatment, I will adapt to my new life and things and I will strive to make it positive and happy etc, etc, but it will be different and I will always be looking over my shoulder incase cancer comes to visit me again. I can't voice this fear to friends and family as they will see this as negative and I really shouldn't think like that, but again they haven't been through it, so they don't understand. The start of the radiotherapy phase is another momentous occasion and I would hug you if I could! Onwards and forwards and deep breaths for this leg of your journey!! xxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Hi Sassy!

Well what a fight you've taken on indeed and I'm always impressed with that fighting spirit! It's not you fighting for your life here it is cancer and it doesn't stand a chance.

I always enjoy reading your inspiring blogs and to see that fighting spirit. Cancer return? Never it wouldn't dare, not with your fighting spirit and all us lot behind you!

You're quite right about other people who haven't experienced cancer or any other life threatening disease; let them carry on their competitive infighting. That fight is as nothing compared to the fight you are putting up so just let them play their games; you have the advantage of knowing what is really important.

I'm sorry about your friend Annabel, but what a lovely thought to do the race for life. Let us know where you are planning to do it and when; if it's Cardiff you might have some company.

Hi Galek,

Sorry to hear about the setback but well done for the bounce back and Yay for halfway mark!

Good luck both,

Odin xxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Ooooh hello there :)

Wow, it doesn't seem that long since I was talking to you about the fear of the op and what was to come and here you are!

RT rather disappointingly didn't give me superpowers. Except awesomeness hahahahaaaa! So glad you are feeling a bit more able to do things and yes, it feels good and yes it takes a long time and don't worry if you have days where you feel crap and can't do the exercise etc, they happen sometimes but not all the time and you can get fitter and fitter! I was getting cross yesterday at the gym when after a full day at work, I was just too tired to do the treadmill bit at the end and then as I went out, up the stairs and off for a swim, I remembered it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't do the stairs without trouble!

So, radiation to go and then you will be glow in the dark spiderwoman and yes, work aliens. They have no idea and we learned to slow down and enjoy our life!

I walked the race for life last summer. Just the 5km one and I had to stop a few times and have a little sit down in the middle of the track near the end, but a good chat, a couple of fab mates and a packet of skittles got me over the finish line :) some people had packed up and gone home by the time I got round, but it was an amazing day and no running needed!

There is a fab article called article 3 by Dr Peter Harvey. Google it. I can't find the link at the moment. It talks about the phase when finished treatment and those thoughts you are having. Saved me from a meltdown of scary and now what and yes, thinking about the next battle etc.

Lots of love to my warrior twin

Little My xxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Thank you me hearties !!

Sorry to hear you had a chemo blip Galek, I had a 24hr admission when I swapped to Tax on my 4th and was a bit like damn there goes my perfect score sheet ! But living with chemo is different, and there are no prizes for having a clean run ! You are doing really well and I'm loving your positivity. We are all vulnerable beneath for sure, humour is my first coat of armour and there are other layers , I've learnt over the years that when I show it some people use it to their advantage , some people let you down - but there are a few that can cope...hence my trying to be super hero all the time. But reflecting on your coping stratergies is a good thing, sometimes they don't fit anymore - ha never gonna stop with the bad gags :) xx

Hey Odin, I'm thinking of a tour of Race of Life ! No the one in London is July and it appears there are more friends rising to the challenge, funny isn't it a few years ago I would run them and it would be to challenge my fitness and of course raise money, now it's celebrating new friendships and life, really appreciating the life we have.

Rematches and reoccurances unfortunately we can never say never, I wish we could. I wish none of us and no one ever entered into this playing field as that's the only sure fire way you'd know it would never challenge you again. We are changed people, no question about that. I know that positive can be defined as making the best of any situation and that's my aim. There is no way you can expect not to have days where you don't worry but I really think giving those worries curfews is one way of dealing with them, plus life will always chuck other concerns in your way ! Balancing good & bad is the key...ha like an angel and devil on your shoulder.

Little My - my twin warrior, where does time go ? It's true there was I in May worried about how surgery may impact on my life, and in fairness it hasn't especially - well maybe being cocooned in chemo la la land did shelter me a tad. I can see how much more you are doing now and hope that for me too, once the gamma rays are over. I remember you returning to work too.

Normal pah, what is normal ? A new normal, with a mix up of good and bad from the past, even though Saint Cancer makes you holier than thou and you try to quit old habits like workaholism and biscuit addiction.You start new habits like healthy eating and remembering how precious time is !! Throw all this in a mixing pot with other people's expectations of you, their understandings of living with cancer and all their own anxieties ...and kapow with a dash of financial worries, relationship insecurities and a magic dust of I shoulds and ta da here is the new you. Gosh that sounds cynical for me ! Guess I'm getting to grips with Sassy 1.13 and that's subject to continual upgrades, I've no limit to how many times I'll change (like Dr Who) on my journey.

I've seen that article before it's really very apt ..recuperation,restoration, recovery and rebuilding and grieve ...very true. xoxoxox
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Hi Sassy, I just wanted to say I loved reading your blog and can really relate to what you have written. I have just finished treatment and am starting to get energy back and start thinking about a return to work but I also have those scary thoughts creeping in although I have remained positive and defiant during treatment. I wish you well with everything!!Little My, I'm going to look into that article as think I may need some help with these "thoughts". I wish you all lote of love and luck through everything! Andrea XX
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