Today as been a mixed bag that's for sure ...
When I rocked up at my hospital in my straight out of the 80's LMFAO look..shuffling of course, there was a paitent sat in the lift area in a dressing gown exposing his ahem* weener. I just burst into giggles way too much to see before a serious appointment lol...not callous at all, he looked very happy with it all out for public appreciation.
Up in the waiting area, I bounced in double breasted - spot the real one people ?? lol and sat trying to read 50 Shades of Grey my lovely friends bought me...but spotted a newbie nervous beside me so cheerily chatted and reassured her I hope. When I was leaving she was donned in the front opening gown and i said - I hope I never see you again (meant in a positive way - who wants another person to be recruited to the BC Army)
My breast nurse, gave me then, are you alone brief ?? You should have brought someone, your nice friend ....LOL ...Nurse I said, you should know me by now...I want to be here alone, so that I can digest the bad news you are clearly going to give me and then water it down for my loved ones. Ok Sassy she says that's fair enough.
So my Surgeon aka Head Booby Hunter - scrutinised my clothed body - I'm like Doc I know, my fakery is amazing, you are thinking I'm sure I took one off ...he shakes his head and smiles. Take your clothes of Sassy, I immediately strip as requested and notice how I brazen I've become. Zorro my scar is healing nicely and Doc is happy, seroma is shrinking and lady boy restoring ...back to my fake boobery and looking normal in clothes :)
He looks uncomfortable and my cheery disposition does seem to unnerve him today - he's a good man - maybe he thinks actually this is a load of effin crap for this woman to have too. He told me he was shocked by my first diagnosis - the huge rogue lymph traveller.
Here's the weird bit....the invasive aggressive cancer cells have buried themselves deeper than they first imagined ..so even after my breast tissue being removed it's spread into my muscle so that needs to go too...options cut and detach here ..or deep fried breast with radio alongside chemo
As I am considered young (I like that ), they want the best option to reduce these asbo cells party rocking any deeper into my body - I quite agree !! Eviction time mofos ...altho the thought of Zorro being reopened and my hard worked muscles from years of martial art press ups being removed sounds blinkin painful .Hmmm so they will get back to me within 10-14days after they have researched and discussed further ...I'm a research piece !!
Go exercise Sassy - go live your life & have fun - Oh hell yeah Doc I will. See you in 2 weeks.
Ok, here's the next bit...Nurse still is convinced I'm residing in De -Nial -it's been a long holiday if I have must be 10 weeks now easily ?? How many times do you have to say to someone - This is just me - public outbursts of crying I don't do sorry, much prefer to sneak off on my own and do that. Once again I remeind her of my mum's tale and why I am as strong as I am ..if my mum can, I can. Think she listens to this as relates her own family history to mine. I'm just quirky nurse I say :)
She reads through all the literature, packs me off with carry home to reads but gives me a huge hug and says I am truly brave and that I'm very well thought of by the team. Shucks me ...poster girl for bravery in BC at my clinic that's an honour :) More like wanted poster for mischief and mania lol
Now what....Tea ...and cake ....oh and telling all the caring friends, but importantly telling my sis first. I contrived a careful and funny to the point group text to my circle of friends...and said text sure or fb message but no calls please. I just couldn't face the oh i'm sorry or what will you so etc..Even the I'm sooooo sorry texts annoyed me as my alter ego Ms Angry bursts to the surface again, not because I think why me...but more like I think ...seriously ?? I always have to be complicated lol
The cafe was empty, I sat for a while still and let the tears sting my eyes and attempt to role down my face and felt numb ...like my detached breast. I didn't think to ask of the implications of losing muscle tissue and actually does that out rule ever having a reconstruction or will that make that process even more difficult - geez that is the last thing on my mind but when raised by a friend I was jogged to think ohh good point.
I snapped out of my near miss cry in public moment and was concious i needed to speak to my kids...and floated to my car,yes,I'm driving again wheee. Opening my car door and sitting down, the tears were allowed to flow, it's my safe zone and i clicked on the radio ....What doesn't kill you makes you stronger shouted out at me and I laughed , let the tears flow until they naturally ceased and the anger rose to the surface to protect me from nice comments !!
So here I am ...Sassy the Superwoman - ready to fight harder, longer and deeper...I'm not a warrior queen for nothing, these mofos don't even know who they are messing with :) Hasta la vista b*******
