OMG I woke up this morning with a mission in my mind !! It's the 1st September and I'm programmed to get kids back to school and get my work in order clearly. It was a comforting, familiar burst of motivation that had me scrawling all over a notebook my plans for the chemo months.
I've got a chemo verision of the Game of Life - I figured I'm treating this as a career break, let's enjoy this time off and be constructive !! This is largely about the adjustment from being a workaholic to feeling lazy in comparison - but part of me likes it.
I was reflecting on my life pre diagnosis and surprisingly I wasn't , ohh I want my old life back ..why ?? Well as I sat and mapped it all out on paper , everything on that chaotic mind map was about giving to others, I was juggling my career, with my desire to start my own business, with a second job, with helping every friend under the sun, juggling kids, long working hours, always being on the go, poor diet and actually I was receiving nothing !! When I look back I was emotionally bankrupt - as all I did was fix people, mentally, emotionally, physically ....I sorted people's problems and put them back together. But who was going to fix Humpty Dumpty who fixes everyone else ?? BREAST CANCER THAT'S WHO !!
All of a sudden, I've dropped my multiple roles, lost the so called friends that demanded my time and attention, dropped running all over London to support other people's needs. And I've started to receive - therapies , meals from friends or lifts from friends...I've started to love myself, this may take time !! But like an alcoholic I can accept that actually I had it all wrong before, and that really all that giving wasn't that good for me after all.
So my enlightment begins and I THANK BC for that , strange to hear but true - for how else would I ever really take note that my lfe was out of balance, sure making my body out of balance is a bl**** extreme way, but I do like a challenge.
I'm facing the biggest challenge of my life, not beating Breast Cancer - I've got that, seen it in my mind, the end result after all this treatment is that the cancerous beast is beaten into submission and remission for as long as possible and i mean as long as possible. Forget prognosis and dates, I've things to do and this illness has to wait till I'M DONE. Simple.
No, the bigger challenge is changing me - stop my natural caring for others and giving to others urges and focus this journey about really embracing and loving me. All of me, for while my outer shell is not what it was, my inner self needs it's time to blossom and shine through. Get to know me , the real unblemished me ...love me. All of my life I have struggled with really loving myself, I have felt unlovable and used this as weapon against myself in my poor choices in relationships - ha I said in an earlier blog my dysfunctional relationships is a bigger challenge than breast cancer.
So moving forwards, with my mind set on growing, self developing, blossoming, coming out of my chemo cocoon having shed my cancer (i hope) my outer shell (breast, hair) and my inner torments - I am going to be some amazingly beautiful and strong butterfly - ready to fly away (maybe after being tanned in rads )
Now that is a very positive thought, to new beginnings, thanks BC for giving me this second chance at life :) xxoxooxooxo
