Hello insomnia my new friend, you've come to talk to me again !! It's rather reminiscent of my kids early years actually where you have (seemingly) years of broken sleep and early mornings, I'm sure I can't remember a lot of their early memories from sleep deprivation.
Me being awake & the early hours waking have a new relationship, it's gone past the dating stage into fully fledged let's make a go of this and even change our BookFace relationship status -it's that serious. It's like a timer has been preset in my body to wake up around the same time every night regardless of whatever time I go to bed. Some nights I try the let's play some music to get back to sleep - it usually just gives me a background to my tossing and turning, night sweats and over thinking. Some nights I try the let's watch a movie, now that normally can send me back to sleep with very disturbing dreams - apart from the nights I got engrossed in Sex in The City box sets and stayed up on a marathon instead.
Wakeful and sleepless nights - mehhh these used to be from fun experiences before diagnosis and sweat from engaging in entangled limbs not hormone affected, chemo affected body flushes, the beads of sweat on my bald, trying to grow new hair head is so not fun - yuk. I would smile and laugh dragging myself into work after sleepless nights from fun reasons . Those were the days eh ?
I've never checked out whether Macmillan have a leaflet or advice on living with cancer and being single - maybe I should do this when I can't sleep ! But I can ramble my own thoughts on it. Rewind back to my diagnosis and my worries back then, obviously after about my kids etc , was whether the guy I was dating would stick around - 10 points if you correctly guessed he would make false promises and then bolt ! Mais oui, chemotherapy chic is not for the faint hearted.
I was tagged in a describe your ex with a movie title the other day, my gems were The Vanishing, The Departed and The Good The Bad and The ugly - real talk !! The Vanishing seems very apt to the guy I was dating who didn't even stick around to see what having a mastectomy and chemotherapy would do to my body, guess you could say ..Very Superficial, the writing's on the wall.
Then from nowhere a new bizarre twist occurred, I call this now on reflection the last minute love interests - the guys who I have been platonic friends with for years who plucked up the courage to tell me they had always liked me. Why now ? Why just when I've been diagnosed with this and all that you may have found attractive is about to vanish - I wonder if this is linked to the checking in before you check out group...??
That's a very strange thing when you are first diagnosed and vulnerable to comprehend but in away another person still desiring you when you are about to lose a breast, and then later your losing hair is a great confidence boost and in a way my own version of Smith or Oliver Martinez really did help me back in the early months. He stuck by me through surgery and the early chemos, even though admitting it scared him - the chemo not my changed appearance of that he was very reassuring. This should be a blog with a happy ending, we fell in love in a hopeless place....sorry it's not. My version of Smith ran out of steam. Some things just do, it wasn't because I burdened him with my worries and fears and insecurities - maybe it was because I didn't !! On reflection somewhere along the path I stopped confiding how I felt to him as I didn't want it to be heavy, or a burden and I blogged instead or maybe at pressure point told a female friend. Maybe I am guilty of being too independent and concealing my vulnerability too well. Hmmm.
Somewhere late into chemo there was a change and Smith stepped down. Sure I was sad and disappointed the last 3 chemos ravaged my body, dented my confidence and took my over thinking mind to new places. In those times a hug would have been like Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket. I sucked it up. I've been a single parent 10 years so being alone I'm more accustomed to, however at this point in my life , especially when I read threads about how wonderful other halves were it smarted it. But like the Joker says, what doesn't kill you makes you stranger.
So here I am, chemo finished and waiting for rads to start. I often joke with my friends about what life after treatment will bring. Right about now I wouldn't notice if anyone was looking at me in a how you doing manner as my eyes are down, my closed for business sign displayed and my sole focus is beating this cancerous beast that robbed me of a dear friend yesterday. She was too young, with a young family and I feel hateful to cancer for taking her. F*** YOU CANCER !!!
But just how would the cast of Sex in the City fair if they had a boob missing and freshly grown crew cut, no eyelashes to flutter and chemo weight gain that enhances a powerful build ? No waspish waist and girly twirling of hair. I could deceive anyone with a bouncy wig and bouncy prosthesis but unless I turn into Christiana Grey, blindfold and tie up hands - there maybe a little bit of a problem when it comes to intimacy with anyone. Hold up ...before you even go past Go and collect £200 or go to Prison...how the heck will you have the confidence to meet someone anyway ?? Aha haaa and that my friends is the million dollar question. I am sure I've written I have a dysfunctional relationship with love before, if it's a been my life long ambition to meet emotionally unavailable guys and their ambition to prove my warpy thoughts about myself are true. Self fulfilled prophecy is a b*tch.
Society dictates that attractiveness is based on physicality, people obsess about weight gain, getting older , minor blemishes...it's said people can make up their mind about you in 5 seconds from first appearance. WOW - with a wig on no one would know - without it ohhh she's the sick one, which summons up what ? Thoughts that I'm brave , tough, strong ...and in some of my male friends and they have told me this they didn't want to see me like that - they were afraid how they might feel seeing me ....what ? Bald, vulnerable ? Hmmmm stripped of so called external beauty ? The Heart breaker as I refer to him, was the love of my life, some how we remained friends , he has avoided seeing my chemo chic and says it won't be long to my old Sassy is back ....Ummm reality check for you Mr the old me is dead and gone.
So what of being single and living with cancer and life after treatment- maybe I will have my own Carriesque blog for I can't really imagine I will live whatever is left of my precious life without companionship at least. My friends say it will be someone who sees you for all that you are, not just the external packaging and that's a much better thing, of course ...but how do they expect you to meet someone and the getting to know you includes yeah well I've just had a career break to beat cancer. Or do you not mention it and keep them in the friend zone ?? To lots of people, meeting someone who is recovering (i hope !!) from cancer would be a do not past go ..their own fear of your experience and possible relapse wouldn't make for great dating. Am I right ? Am I wrong ? Would be nice to hear from other singletons to hear your experiences
Ending this on a positive note - there are some perks of being single in chemo and thereafter - wind - gale force chemo wind - ain't nobody got time for that !! No being a lady and holding it back or popping into the loo to pass delicate wind ha ha in front of a guy -FEC-T produces explosive wind - single ladies don't have to hold back !!
Night sweats - no additional bodies in the bed to make your bed a water bed or any one to freeze when you alternate between kicking covers off or on.
No partner to b*tch and moan about when you are having a bad day or in pain ...can substitute animals or kids here lol ..
And no one to say really Sassy it's 4am why are you blogging nonsense again ??
And on that note I bid you good night, good morning - until the next episode :)
