Not a good night, soreness and bruising very apparent now - my poor old boob is half again as big! Pains in stomach from not being able to go to the loo after anesthetic, kept me sitting on the loo, hoping - not being able to strain, as it were. So, the anesthetic has finally worn off but I'm tired as heck from no sleep hardly, last night.
Of course, I would love to be able to look at the scars, but can't see them - I guess that will come on the 10th when I get the treatment plan and staging of the cancer. I think I start chemo around the 27th June - hope so, as then I'll have a window in which to go back to India - got to talk with the docs at CUH before that - about how many cycles of the poison stuff I have to have and please God we can get the study visa for my son, so that he can be brought quickly to the UK and I can continue the treatment there....back home after many years eh!
Don't come to live in Ireland - they have refused social welfare payments for me, even though I have been living here since 1994. The community welfare officer I have to deal with is one son of a gun - rude, intimidating and heartless - yet, may I add that I was the only person there that had been resident since 1994, the rest were from eastern block countries and couldn't understand, let alone speak English. I wonder how he gets on with them.
I didn't come back to Ireland because I had cancer. I didn't know until I went to the docs with a lump I found. I am more than grateful that things have moved quickly for me though, as this cancer is invasive and has strong growth - I have yet to find out if it has moved onto any place else - I pray to God it has not. I am, however, being denied the allowance I should have been permitted to have, and it is very upsetting, along with trying to recover from this Op and also the worries of whether I will get back on time to see my son and whether he stays ok at the children's home which I have to put him in for these 2 month visa trips.
Why oh why, when we have all the documentation, the wonderful school, the funding to satisfy the UKBA, a place to stay initially until we get our own place to live - did this have to happen!!! 10 years TEN YEARS. it has taken to get this far and now I get cancer. I am angry and upset and that is no good for recovery -
Maybe this is because of no sleep last night and the the lack of the ability to go to the loo properly - but today is not a good day.
My little boy is my life and he is thousands of miles away and does not know about the cancer - I've only told him that I have to see the nephrologist next week, which is the truth. He knows I have had kidney trouble, so it came as no shock to him when I told him - I hope he will forgive me when I eventually tell him about the cancer - face to face. I need to see him so much and quickly. Please God help me. Please pray for me, that I can at least get him to the UK and have some kind of life there with him that we have yearned and planned for for so many years.
Sorry for the downbeat entry - but I guess it's one of the emotions felt when going through this cancer business. It's the long chemo, radiation and other therapy that I have yet to endure for up to a year, and even then can't be diagnosed as NED (no evidence of disease). Mary, Mother of God, be a mother to me now......
