Post 539: Anger clouds above me are keeping me safe.
Thursday is cleaning day and the new routine today is in trying to use my time better.
So when I heard the battle cry; I had to listen to the sound of reason.
Clutching at positives is the domain of the spiritually constipated, and I need all the calmness I can muster in a period of time where inner reflection is key to my future thoughts.
The problems are highlighted by my quest for more enlightenment about my back, my rib sides and pelvis in an approach to the clinicians for more clarity than I’ve previously asked for in relation to the progression of Mets in my bones (where previously mentioned).
The savage and cruel cancer has pushed me to look more closely because of the pains I’ve been suffering lately and the likelihood that these are something other than the cancer and more like lifestyle issues of a weakened guy where muscle wastage is possibly the worst issue, but is it?
Time will tell but already I’m knee deep in complicated words explaining the last two Bone-scans. These reports were emailed today and I’ll look thru them later. I’ve whizzed thru them but need to read them more carefully so I get an idea what to ask when I go to have them explained in more detail in a face to face meeting with my fabulous oncologist and a computer which will show me the visuals the go with the reports words.
I’m happy with that and hope to be able to chalk up health date for this Q & A with a hope that it will settle me back down.
After my attitude today where I’ve been pushing both my own abilities and my Darling’s own calm and usually loving self, I’ve overdone it.
Before you judge me it started with a meal in the local café with a big platter of ham, egg and chips. The counter where all the condiments were was two steps away and I chose to get up and walk those two steps myself and ask for mustard. To my surprise I was given a small open Colman’s jar with a spoon inside, which I whipped up inside and as I retuned all that way back to our table and instead of sitting down hogging the jar I leant over and spooned out not one but two spoonfuls of pure yellow spiciness. But… as I leant over, on the tapping out I felt a ping! in my back just above my right hip where a muscle pulled! Ouch!
I hopped around and plonked myself back down on my chair rubbing my ego and body, but I was severely told off by my Darling who went on to help me take the jar back, not that she thought it’ll was necessary (which I suppose on reflection it was not).
That started the ball rolling that still hasn’t stopped.
I’m in the dog house because of this accidental misdemeanour.
My Darling is sitting on her high horse in the rarefied air that one sits when you’re right…
But I’m struggling to explain to her that it’s not the cancer that did that. It’s more like a secondary physical injury due to muscle wastage, where my weary muscles can’t cope with anything out of the ordinary.
This is a blow not just to my progress in getting a life back which can be useful but today, really, why today when I was trying to build myself back up can a stupid muscle pull do so much damage mentally too.
So we sat there numb-plussed with s tasty dinner but I had this deafening silence to cope with (with a side of I told you so).
Later it was to all kick off when my stupidity that has no limits saw me up a latter to the loft to find an empty box (what the cordless vacuum came out of a few months ago) and worst of all I was standing by my darling at the time not at all hiding my bravado in stepping up a ladder that, in her view could kill me. She was not amused and I was in control for once in a long time on a ladder in the house, I felt useful and I was seen as being unbelievably stupid.
Lots of other things happened today like the Boots delivery of my Darlings early Birthday pressy was delivered and I smuggled the smelly bottle of loveliness it into a totě bag she’d use tomorrow morning and find it there waiting for her. But no she sniffed that out when looking for minty gum later on and quizzed me over it’s early delivery not it’s value in gifting. Sometimes you can’t win.
Today I really really can’t win.
I haven’t received a text to say my prescriptions made up yet so that can roll-on anther day or two before I get the Duloxatine.
This new drug is an antidepressant too; a double whammy. With its capabilities I should be doubly blessed.
Of course I did put on my Advocates hat on to ask for the steroid dose to be lowered (as per the Hospice letter they should have by now) and prescribed ASAP.
Oh the joys of Autumn.
I’m going to leave the blooming blog her for now. I’ve been up all night again with my miserable sleeping patterns lately. I am happy to think I’m my worst enemy and I’m missing out if I sleep but I don’t know if that’s a dumb thing to say.
Goodnight for now. Take care and get some (good) sleep.
Love you all xx
