Can I use an already written poem for the U3A homework next week. Should I use it, or not?
I received an email regarding this request for creative writing club and I already have a perfect fit for the challenge.
But will I have to come clean with the U3A group members and tell them that the homework is real and mine it’s also been published in last year’s home-town carnival programme; does that make it wrong?
I’ll have a good think about it and decide later but it depends if I have time to create a new piece to take and share with them. The actual brief is to write "An account of you taking part in a Carnival procession."
That would be an easy choice of subject for me as I was as a boy in a family of carnival supporter and members who went along to many many processions at local carnivals in the 70’s and 80’s. So maybe I’ll take two pieces to read-out in class.
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But onto today.
I did rest up to a point but had both the counselling and work quiz to get to.
Today is the start of a week of learning, that’s what I think and as I will always want to see growth in me I will try and make more effort in thinking and doing rather than vegetating, if I can.
The big problem last week and for all the sessions for counselling is that I have to get to the hospice which is a few mikes away on the coast for my weekly Monday sessions, but of course you all ready know that the first personal friend I asked to help me out was a peach and is giving me all the help I need. That makes the attendance that much easier and the pay back is a trip to a cafe afterwards for a slap up breakfast/lunch.
Leaving that for now and concentrating on the task in hand, in that safe room where I can say anything I like, in a hope that I can feel better about the life I lead.
But there’s one big problem for this process to work and that is that I am able and very willing to naturally turn the stories or conversations off course and deflect to divert the words I speak towards explaining what happened at any given time when I was floored by emotion, and not talk through how I felt at that moment.
I do it without realising I’m doing it and my homework this week is to try and understand myself in terms of not answering the simple and weekly question of “how are you, how do you feel”.
I should press ‘STOP! right there when I’m asked this and then spit out exactly what I feel in that moment, in that room, with the ability to say anything, using this time better, using this time for self improvement.
As for previous events, conversations and actions that have overpowered my normal stable life and threw me off my safe seat and onto a dark stage-floor where the spotlights on me. Where I will just carry on talking, telling tales and trying to crawl and snivel my way back into that safe seat I was in until I was ejected in a moment with face telling its own story. The watery eyes and quivering lip a dead giveaway but the process started over again; I can’t control the worries inside.
In today’s session I noticed that the way I avoid this question of feelings is a little of a surprise as I thought that I was a model student. But that’s masking the reality that I’m not ok and if I’m being honest I’m wasting my counsellors time if I can’t let it all out so she can let me help myself.
It’s only today I realised that.
What are your feelings?
If I start telling the story of why I think I’m needing help right now it’s this…
a few weeks ago when I tried and failed to drive to the coast in my little mini to see my two-wheeled friends at a show by the sea and failed to get to see them all. In fact the couple of miles I drove towards them was the problem moment and should have been the trigger to question this meltdown in the session today.
The reasons why this was so important was that my independence was dashed right there. I was unable to easily drive the car nor get in and out of it, plus it’s stayed dormant since then, and everyday I see it and wonder if I can get down into it and have a drive in my very special car. That emotional resistance to say how dreadful I feel inside about having ‘tools’ I no can’t use is weighing heavily on my whole being but it makes me want to cry.
Why do I have to give up so much when I try my best to feel ok and a powerhouse of security and strength as the head of the house? Why am I forced to take so many pills just to feel ok sometimes, as the other times are not as good. Why when I ask for help do I turn it into something I will want to pay for in five fold, so I’m still the best man standing?
But there I was today with my bestie holding doors for me and asking all the right questions to make our time together safe and useful.
I’ve lost the head of household mantle.
The counsellor called it a “Papa Bear” feeling when this personality trait is noticed.
And it’s a very accurate portrayal of my feelings.
Papa Bear is what I still strive to be if only to crash and burn at every corner in the road.
I’ll do some thinking on how Papa Bear is going to help himself with more openness to inquire and share, in sessions, my own feelings.
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Later in the afternoon there was a works world quiz but from what I saw I realised that the world related more to office staff than workshop monkeys like me.
Of the questions I heard there was only one I could truly answer, which maybe telling about my memory too. So it was sadly a bit of a wasted hour, but I tried.
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Enough about me and the quiz and onto a little surprise for my Darling.
I was given a bedroom hug the other day, as my Darling left for work around 4:15 in the morning and she smelt just fine with a perfume she’s been using a while but it was one that I hadn’t bought and wasn’t my cup of tea to be truthful.
So I instantly thought that I can help this situation to a heady but beautiful conclusion with an online purchase of a perfume I do like.
So in a couple of days she will be using a favourite of both of us and this will be a treat for the soon to be had wedding Anniversary and her Birthday.
I won’t mention the name of this gorgeous smell just yet in case my lady is reading this…
“You’ll have to wait!”
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So will I write up more homework or not?
Will I be ready to open up like a flower in next week’s counselling session?
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My weight is 12st 2lb
BP 126/74
BPM 57 (Pulse)
But the average resting rate is much faster now at 62 (from 51) since being off the Beta-blocker.
I had AFib twice in three days since coming off the beta-blocker a week ago.
I had a call from the hospice today to ask how I am and after explaining that my back is not yet better with the steroids thus far.
The 2mgs dose I’m now on is not cutting it so she (the nurse) promised to pass on this information and booked me an appointment at the hospice to be seen by Dr Dave and let him assess my needs.
Sounds like a good plan.
But while the nurse was on the phone to me she mentioned that the last scan showed my ‘mets’ were increased and well spread which really cut me deeply.
It’s weird how that one comment might be the one thing I should have been considering all this time since the bone-scan two months ago, to let me know more about my prognosis. I’d rather know what I’m limited to doing, if that’s the case, and I wonder if I should ask more questions than I do about my condition now.
Oh well, I’ll leave everything there and say good morning, as the night has no gone and is replaced with a breezy grey day.
Have a lovely day. Take care
PS
I have finally received my steroids you’ll be glad to know. So I’m fully functioning now. Dosed right up. 
