Post 475: Having slept, the worst feelings have passed.
Looking forward to things and staying positive seem to go hand in hand, and the sleep I’ve had today has put most things right.
I’ve been quick to be negative over the last few days, but today I’m smiling again for lots of little reasons, and that means my thoughts can finally start moving properly.
My phone is always my friend, but today I spent more time reading and lost myself in a book. It carried me away to the Lake District where the plot continues to unravel. Thankfully, today it’s the characters in the book unravelling—not me.
It made me think again about the book I’ve been quietly preparing in my own head.
When will I finally write it?
Perhaps the time isn’t that far away now.
I need to find the time.
Find a quiet place.
Find the confidence to let the words come.
Then fit all those memories into the plan I’ve been carrying around for so long.
Simple… perhaps not.
Possible? I think so.
Does it fill me with dread?
Not really.
I feel the need now to tell the story of those chemotherapy months, the setbacks, the little rescues along the way, and the people who helped me through.
Has the baby that’s on the way changed the story?
Without doubt.
It has given the book a completely different ending.
Maybe…
Maybe now I’m ready to begin.
(I’m leaving this next bit in because it reminds me that I’m not quite there yet. But I’m definitely getting there.)
Lately my brain has felt sluggish, almost unwilling to join in with life.
My world became smaller.
Thinking wasn’t really thinking.
It was more like flicking switches automatically instead of weighing things up properly.
The post, for example.
Letters and takeaway menus would land on the hall floor and I’d simply leave them there.
The only reason I’d eventually pick them up was because I worried my Darling might trip over them while carefully making her way downstairs.
It shouldn’t take effort to pick a few envelopes up off the floor.
Yet somehow it did.
Everything seemed harder than it should have been.
My thoughts felt like they were swimming through treacle.
Slow.
Heavy.
Sticky.
Every decision took energy I didn’t seem to have.
Then I remind myself about the steroids.
My body is still full of medication.
Those drugs are now having to do their job without the support of the steroids.
It makes sense that things will take a little while to settle.
Yesterday it was difficult to believe I’d be alright.
Today…
Today I believe it.
The treacle has thinned enough for me to swim through it again.
My neighbour popped round today with the key blanks for my new petrol cap.
He checked everything, made a few careful adjustments, and before long the keys fitted perfectly.
Job done.
It’s only a tiny thing, but because he arrived smiling and left smiling, somehow I ended up smiling too.
It’s funny how another person’s positivity can quietly become your own.
Tomorrow I’ve got an old friend to see, and Big Sis will be about too.
That thought alone lifts my spirits.
I’m no longer looking backwards for problems.
I’m looking forwards to conversations.
A good natter.
A proper hug.
Simple things.
Wonderful things.
Then my good friend Sheila rang.
She had a problem with her smartphone and wondered if I could help.
Of course.
By the time she arrived I was already on the phone chatting to our friends up north.
Suddenly I found myself helping two different people with two different problems.
And, much to my surprise, I solved them both.
It sounds such a little thing.
But it reminded me who I am.
Helpful.
Useful.
Creative.
Capable.
For a little while I wasn’t thinking about the television remote or the next packet of sweets.
I was simply… me.
And I’d missed him.
I’m still eating far too much.
But Rome wasn’t built in a day.
The healthier eating can come later.
For now I’m just pleased to be climbing back onto my feet.
The replies to the blog still make me smile every single day.
So does the sunshine.
This extraordinary dry summer has been remarkable.
I’m fortunate.
Working only a little means I can enjoy the warmth instead of battling through it all day like so many of my old colleagues still do.
I really do feel for them.
As for me…
I’m slowly accepting that I’m drifting towards a health-forced retirement of sorts.
That isn’t giving up.
It’s simply learning to live differently.
I think it’s time now to give my days a little more purpose.
Waste less time.
Do more of the things that matter.
Perhaps that’s all this blog has really been about.
It’s not much of a blog today.
It’s more like standing in front of a mirror.
Looking at an older chap searching for something.
Maybe he’ll never quite find it.
Nothing in life is ever perfect.
Sometimes you simply have to tighten your belt, take a deep breath, and step into the unknown.
Sorry this has been such a reflective one.
Tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll bring back a bit more humour.
Until then…
Sleep well.
Take care. 
️
