Post 273: That made me think…
Often I’m trawling through the notifications from the prostate forum. Sometimes I have time, sometimes I make time, sometimes I’m moved to reply and sometimes I can’t.
Today I couldn’t reply because I didn’t know what to say.
With all my aches and pains it’s very easy to be selfish and not make time for helping others. However that may manifest, it’s normally a good thing and worthwhile for both me and the recipient. But today was special.
It was hard to read, but easy to understand and empathise with.
In my words it was about that fateful day when he stops breathing and leaves her behind.
I started to think about my relationship with my Darling while I ate my muesli and cornflake breakfast with full-fat milk. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happens when that experience befalls me, and of course, Her.
Slurp, slurp!
What happens to my Darling right then, when I shuffle off — what can I do just then?
Slurp!
It’s really easy to be distant about the final moments, but those thoughts I have are only about me. It’s all about the minutes or hours leading up to that moment. Slurp!
Why have I never thought about that perspective before? How could I have missed the bit in between my last breaths and my funeral? What happens to my Darling then? Slurp!
The muesli became slightly indigestible as I pondered in a pensive few moments while I tried to concentrate on eating. Slurp!
I have no answers yet.
I am going to ponder — slurp! — some more when I can. It’s important I see my “End” from her perspective and put in place a scaffolding around her to help her stand on her own two legs when she needs me most yet I’m there but not there, if you know what I mean. Slurp! Is that too selfish again?
Slurp!
⸻
Beginning again
Oh happy day, when we were first met
Our eyes and hearts can never forget
Blind date as it was, made a surprise
We couldn’t part — just awkward goodbyes
Eye to eye we exchanged golden bands
Throughout our lives we stayed hand in hand
Stride by stride we fell into step
No thought for our future, together we slept
Waking one day we saw a black cloud
Eyes and hearts wrapped in a shroud
So here we are, beginning again
Living our lives to push back the end
⸻
Ever thoughtful in a world of my own, I spend my days mostly with diversions, not life. Today was a day where my emotions were skin-deep and it took nothing to make me cry; it was just one of those days.
It’s hard in winter to feel like outside is an extension of our homes, unlike summer when outside is preferred. So I long for warmer, longer days and all the fun that’s more likely to be shared under clear blue skies.
My brand new passport opens up the world — if only I could fly for longer — but three-ish hours is enough to start with.
Spain, Italy, France, Greece and North Africa are all within my grasp if I want some sun; which I do.
Better days are ahead of us.
Good night
