Post 226: Alone with my heavy eyelids.
My dancing fingers are not obeying my every command and the double tapping is getting worse, but making things even more problematic is the tiredness.
When I had the radiotherapy last week I was given a few possible side effects, and the one that’s on nearly every cancer treatment list is tiredness. I think it’s taken a few days to get going but it’s really going some now.
———
I got up and fed the cat, who greeted me with a snake-like dance on the kitchen floor as he sped in after the door was left ajar. All he wanted was food, so the snake got up and headed back through the ajar door and I followed in his wake.
After a few meows the food was in his blue bowl and he was transfixed with satiating his hunger beside the Mini Cooper’s mini wheels and the dusty garage tools on the cold concrete floor.
I too had my breakfast, but mine was on the kitchen table while I contemplated a bit of work — just to help out my Darling.
But what could I do? I haven’t got a lot of strength.
Also, I’d like to complete something and feel good about myself, for a change.
It’s so hard to be normal and I’d love to be normal for a while.
I got the Dyson vacuum out and hoovered the upstairs bedrooms while they were empty. I enjoyed the break in laziness and doing a little work, but I didn’t feel it was enough.
But I suppose it was enough for today.
———
I remember the river.
The sparkling droplets are jumping for joy
The fish are canine and avoiding man and boy
I’ve seen that river for fifty or more years
But not the water, that’s full of my tears,
So fast it runs by, why does it ignore me
I return to this spot, where I’m known by this tree
and cut in the flesh my name is still here
By the sparkling droplets that’ll be jumping for years
———
My eyes are so sleepy and my gut is growling like a trailer full of pigs. I’m in bed recollecting today’s events but apart from the hoover I’ve not really earned my keep.
My Darling came back from work and had a little sleep and said I should too. I said that I’d try and as it happened, I out-slept her.
What a shocker.
By the time I had realised it, it was dark, and my Darling had brought up a Sunday nut roast — and lovely it was too.
I wanted to join her downstairs and enjoy sharing the food we had but I was way too late.
The hoover wore me out and makes me think and feel that I’m pretty useless.
I am pretty useless.
I have to find skills that allow me to find solace in my new world of weakness.
I am what I am.
I’ll count my blessings and sleep some more.
Blood test tomorrow morning, yikes!
Good night
