Post 134: Quality of life…
It depends where you are in the treatment plan to be able to quantify your own QoL (quality of life) — but it’s easy to judge other people’s, especially if you’re jealous.
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Why does QoL matter anyway?
It’s a marker, I get that, but it relies on a scale of magnitude that starts at “can do anything you like” and ends at “bedridden for your own good,” with graduations measured in time, not ability.
Prognosis predictions are where clinical data meets the spiritual world in an uneasy partnership.
If you are ill and on a GP’s “urgent” list, that tells you more than any scale or timeline.
What I want to know is: how long have I got to enjoy my life before I’m dependent on carers — limiting or helping my every move?
I feel powerless because there are no facts to help untangle my plans for the future. But I feel the pain of my newly widowed sister-in-law, because she hasn’t got the chance that I still have — to speak up and ask my Darling: What shall we do? What can I do for you? How will you live after me? All before I go.
I can’t think straight just now and have found myself eager to be more proactive about my Darling’s future — but daunted by the timing of everything.
I can hear everyone shouting “live for today,” “life is for the living,” etc. etc. — but I’m not feeling up to it.
I have a meeting next week with my oncologist, and I want to know more facts about my treatment plan so I can plan my life around it.
I have aches in my chest — new aches — that have appeared since the nervy pains went. This is again like the old lady who swallowed a fly (in drug terms): the gabapentin is dosed up, the pains have gone, now I have new aches and need something else to get rid of those, and so on. In the end I’ll need to swallow a horse… and we all know what will happen then.
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I’m on the bus to the promised land.
I’m not hopping off.
I’m aware that today is a new day — and it’s for me to enjoy.
I’m going to make an effort, as I am so much better off than some.
Mr Vicious needs to be fed while my Darling quietly sleeps. I should stop overthinking everything and relax. Perhaps that should be my goal.
The darker evenings are allowing for snuggle time in front of the TV on the blue sofa. That’s something to look forward to.
