Bit of a difficult day yesterday. Lots of driving and very tired. Went to local shop and managed to scrape the side of someone's car as I pulled out of car park. Man was very kind but it was a stupid thing for me to do and wouldn't have happened if I'd been in a different place in my head.
Woke this morning feeling very down. It's that time of year already. I hate it. Am trying to be positive and drive myself forward but it is SOOOOOO...... exhausting.
Then I was listening to the radio whilst making a morning cup of coffee. It was the Annual Appeal for St Martins' Helping the Homeless. And the broadcast started with, 'The first time you sleep on the street.....the first time you lay your head on the pavement ........' That brought me up with a start. And so I listened to people describing that very experience. People like you and me, fallen on hard times, but people like you and me. And so I kept listening. People talked about Vulnerability and Fear. The same things I know about, but so much harder when you have nowhere to go, no roof over your head. And Loneliness. Loneliness with no roof over your head, nobody to talk to and you are on the streets.
It was a very very humbling broadcast. And it made me think. This last year has been the hardest I have been asked to cope with in my life (and it may get harder) and yes, I am old enough to have been through a few things. But I have my kids, and I have a roof over my head and some kind people in my life. And much of that is thanks to the lovely man I shared my life with. He made sure he looked after his family, he was kind to people and generous with his time. He made sure he looked after me. And that is his legacy. And I shall never find sufficient words to thank him as long as I live. And of course it is right I should feel this pain because of what I have lost - a very loving and special and generous man, but a human being.
Perhaps the way forward is to try and think beyond my pain and my grieving and try more to think of others. I have a roof over my head today, and am grateful for that.
Hugs and courage to you all.
Little Jen
