After my radiotherapy, chemotherapy and brachytherapy back in Feb-April, I went to see my consultant 22nd May. He did an internal examination and was very pleased with my response to treatment. He said my cervix appeared normal again and he could not feel any issues therefore was extremely happy with the results. He said there didn't appear to be much scar tissue and so this is a relief as well as it will make things easier in the future for intimate times between me and my partner and future examinations. So I am happy. But I will be even happier when I have had my MRI as I think this will help me to really believe it has gone. I say I am happy and I really do mean it but there are also moments of fear as well. I want to feel completely free of this big black cloud and it is still lingering for the meantime and I have no idea how long it will stay. A bit like the British weather really! I imagine it will be with me for many years to come but as time goes on, each month it will lift a little bit more and eventually I hope for it to disappear to a mere wisp of a cloud. For the time being I need to treasure the new I have received, try and repair the immediate damage by taking care of myself and emotionally get stronger to fight the long-term changes it has caused me. I have a lot to deal with, especially the fact that I can no longer have children, but one step at a time. The 1st step: to physically get to my new normality. Step 2: To emotionally repair with some counselling Step 3: To re-start all my hobbies and little things in life that make me, me. Step 4: To gain control on what I wish to do with my future and this also involves believing that I have beaten and will remain cancer free Step 5:.......not sure of the next step but I think 4 steps are enough to keep me going. :)
One last thing. I am SOOOOO proud of everyone who lives with or has had cancer. You are all so brave. I think the human mind is a wonderful thing and it never fails to amaze me where we pull our strength from. There may be times of weakness where we all feel a little defeated but I truly believe that we are all so strong and I now realise what amazing creatures we are. Cancer may affect our body but our individual personalities, love and ability to smile even when going through such a difficult time can never be touched by cancer. xxxxxxx
