That's What I'm Feeling Right Now - Part IV

Hubby finally let some feelings out this morning. He says it he is so upset and frustrated. He almost wishes that the consultant had waited until after the blood test/MRI/laparoscopy to perhaps say, “Hey, I’ve got some good news for you. The cancer diagnosis is incorrect.” 

Hubby says that right now he has to endure the next 4 – 6 weeks with three choices. 

1. The diagnosis is correct and I am going to die.
2. The diagnosis is correct but it looks like I will have more time before I die.
3. The diagnosis is not correct and I am not going to die.
   
   He asked me what I thought was going to happen. I had to be honest with him and say that I just don’t know. But, no matter what I will be there beside you. I also said that I didn’t think the consultant would say to us that the cancer diagnosis could be incorrect unless he really thought it could be.
   
   The only real comfort I have is that I believe in the hereafter and I know that if my husband passes before me that we will be together again. We will always be together.
   
   In July 2009, after being hospitalised for weeks, my hubby was diagnosed with cancer. I am not a person that goes to church every Sunday but I believe. I believe that there is more than this life we live in our physical bodies. I believe that our spirit or soul goes on. I believe that our loved ones are still with us at times even though we may not be able to see them and they will be waiting for us on the other side.
   
   I have done some reading before and after my hubby got sick about how our love ones who have passed on can leave us signs that they are with us. Some see white doves or find white feathers. I also believe that we have Angels watching over us. They are helping us, protecting us, guiding us or just being there with us. They can give you a sign if you ask. Yes, I talk to my angels and my hubby’s angels. I pray for them to watch over us. I pray for guidance and for help to do the right things to help my husband, the family and myself get through this. It is always a calming experience.
   
   I take my dog for long walks in the woods and let him run around. I have a special place in the woods where there is a fallen tree that is just perfect for sitting. I call it the praying tree. During our walks we always stop there. Sometimes, I really feel like I need let it all out and pray and cry. Sometimes, it is just enough to sit there for a minute and just breathe. Before I leave the tree I always try to say thank you to God and the angels for something I am grateful for. Like, I am grateful for having my hubby for another day or the smelly git of a dog that is with me, muddy from the creek and slobbering all over me. Sometimes I just say thank you and I let God figure the rest out.
   
   Well, the first Angel Feather experience came soon after hubby was diagnosed and the dog and I were in the woods. I was walking up to the praying tree and I asked out loud for ‘my Angels’ to give me a sign that they were with me. I sat at the praying tree and prayed. Got up, walked ten feet and there were 5 perfect white feathers on the ground in front of me. I was so excited. So, in the days to come I asked for more signs. It was really freaky. I started seeing white feathers nearly everywhere I went. I started counting and collecting them. I would find, even in the mud and muck, a perfect clean dry white feather. I have a couple in my purse that I keep with me and a couple in the car. I had to stop collecting them after a while or I could stuff a pillow by now. I am comforted and calmed when I find them. It reminds me that we are not alone and sometimes it happens when I need a reminder of why my husband is doing annoying things like making me check tyre pressures or the oil.
   
   Just a few weeks ago my husband was making me check the oil in my car and I was really irritated because I had just gotten home after a stressful day at work and did not feel like doing it. I bit my tongue and lifted the car hood and there was a white feather under the bonnet! My hubby said how on earth could that have gotten there and stayed there. I saved that one. I totally chilled out after that. Another reminder for me that he is trying to make sure I will be okay after he is gone.
   
   You may think I am nuts. But so what if I am. I hope I haven’t offended anyone by talking about this. I know some people don’t believe. I just know it has helped get through some tough moments and has inspired me to be a better person. My husband was a sceptical person and over the past year he has changed his mind. He has found Angel Feathers too and has spent time with me at the praying tree.
   
   I have more Angel Feather stories too. I hope to share them with you. Has anyone else had an experience with feathers or something they have taken as a sign? I have a friend at work whose mother has cancer and she believes the same as I do. 
   
   Big Hugs,
   Becky
   x