Today, just up the street, was a cluster of neighbours talking on the sidewalk. The news is that one of our neighbour’s wife died of cancer yesterday. I didn’t really see her that often and I see him slowly walking his dog occasionally. His dog is an ancient, overweight, mild mannered Jack Russell. Unlike my boxer dog Kojak who is the opposite of mild. I saw him out once walking just as slowly and carefully with her too. She was wearing her chemo headscarf and looked thin and pale. I remember saying to my husband that I had seen our neighbour out walking and she has cancer too. That was just a few months ago. It really makes me sad. I did not really know them. But, I wish I had.
My husband has cancer. He is not going to get well. I couldn’t help thinking that one day, just up the street, there will be a cluster of neighbours talking about us.
When my husband was in the hospital and first diagnosed I feel like I went a little crazy. I went home and screamed and cried. My poor dog just lay down at my feet and wrapped his front paws around my ankles as though he was hugging me. I never knew what keening was until I heard anguished wails and realised that they were coming from me. That was just over a year ago. They had given him 6-9 months. He has beaten the odds and is still hanging in there.
I am so afraid, devastated, scared, and heartbroken. Not to mention exhausted, depressed, hysterical at times. The hysterical part is usually late at night, when I am alone and sobbing quietly. I don’t want my husband to hear me. He is so lovely. His biggest worry is that I will be taken care of when he is gone.
The reality hits me sometimes and takes my breath away. I feel like I don’t want to go on without him. There are also times when I feel sort of numb. I guess you have to be that way sometimes just to function and not go bonkers. Though at times I think I have become completely unhinged. I am so seriously tired and stressed out that I feel like my brain is made of cotton wool.
That’s what I am feeling right now.
