I've started running. Now there's a sentence I never bought I'd say. Along with ' my 32 year old boyfriend has cancer' and 'I actively enjoy mushrooms'. . The running works in tandem with the writing as part of my efforts to seize some kind of control of the situation and give myself the best shot of being a positive contributor to my partner's (our) ordeal.
Much as I always try to deny it, exercise really is good for mental health; a belief I also try to encourage in my partner. Though in his case, of course, it takes the form of a general stroll ending in ice cream, rather than a pavement pounding ending in a feeling of nausea. He gets quite enough of that already.
The running comes after the toughest few days in the battle so far. After the second round of chemo, it seems my man had finally succumb to some of the nasty side effects of his treatment and was at a mental and physical low point. He is not one to play on weakness and seeing him like this was extremely painful. So how do you handle this on first experience? 'Not very well' appears to be the answer to that question in my case. We have only been together for near-on 3 years, much shorter than most couples facing this battle together. I can't speak for other carers but I do feel that this relative lack of experience with one another's emotions leaves me unable to second guess what he needs. That and the fact I have been known to display the sensitivity and emotional intelligence of a boar hound.
So after the running, there was a very heated discussion (started by him) in which he let me know some of the things I'd done, and how they made him feel. I let him know some of the reasons behind my actions, trying desperately all the while to hold back on anything he may find difficult or hurtful. Afterwards things felt much better. I'm sure there will be many more of these discussions as we move forward. Each will be extremely painful, probably on both sides. But each will allow us to understand how we take this on, and how we learn to live together during and after. I hope this will contribute to our long term happiness. And I certainly hope it will allow me to contribute to his happiness, which is always my (sometimes mis-executed) intention.
