This feels so unfair.....yes l know a silly thing to say but l just want to scream it right out, why me why now. The last two and a half years have been so hard physically and mentally and now this. I have endured and overcome the repair of a vault collaspe following a hysterectomy which caused both my bowel and bladder to prolaspe and then sudden incontrollable asthma attacks that put me on life support when then they find out that my stomach contents are leaking into my lungs every time l lie down or bend over as l have no muscle left at the top of my stomach. So surgery and surgery horrid tests after test and then l felt well .......yes well....... l had returned to work following these surgeries which were only months apart and had only just got back to working the same shifts l was before this.
Crazy crazy l only went to the drs because l kept getting abcesses more and more antibiotics they hurt like hell but l didnt feel unwell. So the 3rd time l go back he decides l need a fast track because ' things dont look right' oh ok what do you mean l ask never dreaming of what he would say next. I think you need to see a specialist to rule out cancer.......what do you mean cancer its probably noy but it needs to be looked at. Of course it was the day before Good Friday and we all know that hospitals dont function over a bank holiday weekend and so the waiting began!!! l was seen ten days later and three biopsies were taken from different points one directly from the Clitoris which by the way l screamed out loud when he put the needle in there........so so painful. The dr said it probably nothing if its anything bad we will call you in the next two weeks if its ok we will see you in clinic in four weeks time. So more waiting hoping and praying that they dont call me then four days later l get a call..... my results are back the consultant wants to see me........ it cant be good news my head spins into overdrive l get sent home from work yes you got it to wait another 4 days grrr the waiting drives me crazy. So now it has been three weekends in a row waiting first the referral, then the biopsy and then the results.
My mom came with me that day since l split with my husband three years ago we arrive there is no one else in clinic which is strange and then we see my consultant doesnt have a clinic that day very strange. I give me my name the receptionist rings the consultant on her mobile and she comes straight down ......another bad sign l feel and then she whispers something to the receptionist who then makes another call. Head is in overdrive and l knew exactly what she was going to say but she threw me some because she said you look quite calm.................mm calm no inside my heart was thumbing felt like it was coming out of my chest and l felt sick, l have never seen my mom look so scared as she looked at that moment. The dr confirmed that all three biopsies were cancer but every question we had she couldnt answer because she didnt deal with this sort of cancer. I wanted to scream at her what do you mean why am l here then but she told me that she had referred me to another hospital on the day she got my results so go home and my cancer nurse who would support me would call me the next day to answer any questions and l would here within next few days from new hospital.
So more waiting the appointment comes but no call from my cancer nurse ......does she evern know that she was supposed to ring l feel so lost and alone. The appointment with Gyn/Onco didnt really help either. the biopsies had been labelled wrong so instead of left , right, clitoris they were recorded as left left right and also the one thing that he needed was the depth and these were not recorded. He said that to have a biopsy of the clitoris under local was cruel and he always did it under general...........................mmmmm thanks for that info not.. He said he had to request the original samples so that his own team could do the histology on them themselves. I told him you are not doing that to me again no no of course not he would recall my samples so now the wait continues.
So where am l today? l am unsure of everything do l have cancer ? dont l have cancer? is it anywhere else? do l need lymph nodes removed too? dont l need any other tests? bowel has played up since l found out is it stress or something else ? do l mention it and appear paranoid or ignore it and hope it settles? two urine infections why now? is that to do with it too? do l mention that? everything feels not real its like the world is carring on around me and l am standing in this haze of uncertainty..............l just need to know what the hell is going on in my body.....l need someone to explain it all to me!!! are they doing no other tests because they think its ok or because they know its ok or are they waiting until he has biopsied them all again and got all the info. I am pinning my hopes on the 28th that it gives me some answers because these thoughts drive me crazy especially at night when l have settled the kids down........hence the fact l have made this blog at 2am because once again l am awake with just my own thoughts.
Im sorry its so long and that l have rambled on so much but l just feel lost and a little crazy right now........................................if you did manage to read all my moaning and groaning im sorry it went on so long and thank you for reading
Mandy xx
