I can remember looking at the Professor, who came into the hospital room with three others of his staff. I knew deep down what he was going to say, and I sat near to him while he told my husband that there was nothing more that could be done for him. There was some talk about the whys and wherefores, and then the Prof stood up, and made to leave, then my husband asked the question, the white elephant that had been in the room, how long do I have left
The Prof and his team sat back down again and he said about a couple of months, but if we cannot get the bleed in the tumour under control, it may be sooner.
After the team had gone, the shock in the room was palpable..our younger daughter and our son had been there with us and they quietly left my husband and I alone. Hubby cried and said he had not been expecting this news. He knew that the fifth different chemo was not working, in fact the Prof had mentioned it might have provoked the bleeding, but he was not anticipating such bad news.
I felt myself going into a automatic stage, and whilst I too cried, I could not begin think how my husband must have been feeling.
We know the hospital and the staff have all gone the extra mile in attempting to halt the course of the cancer, which is synovial sarcoma in the abdomen, and that they have been absolutely wonderful in their care. Hubby wants to get things in order at home and is anxious to get home as soon as possible. They have managed to stop the bleeding with clotting agents, he is now on steroids, but eats only ice cream and is drinking something called Irn-Bru, which somehow seems to satisfy his thirst without making him nauseous, but that is all that he is having, and maybe will be discharged next week.
Our family are all over the place emotionally, our children are obviously concerned about me as well as their father, whilst still trying to cope with their own feelings.
Life as we know it is irrevocably changed.... I only pray for the strength to hold myself together and be there for my husband, and I also pray that when the end does come, there is no pain, and most importantly, no fear for my husband because that would be almost unbearable to witness.
And so we try to live whilst we are waiting for my beloved husband to die....
