Op date finally arrives. Life can get back to normal. I can become a mum and lover yet again after being drugged up on pain killers and stuck in bed for months.
Very successful op! Tumour removed weighed in at just under 2 stone. Recovery going well.
I can move, I am pain free at long last!
The the phone rings.......your consultant wants to see you....
The biopsy is back and shows cancer. The surgeon very confident that he got it all, no other cancer showing.
I smiled and thanked him and went home..
Google google and google.......
OMG. Have I really just read all that, can I turn the page back and read a different book! if only it was that easy.
Realisation sets in of what was told to me, as does the tears. I can barely look at my kids without crying and thinking the worst. Will ever see them grow up, how will they cope. I have girls they need their mother! How can life be so cruel. Anger, sadness sorrow are only some of the emotions that I have felt lately.
Sense soon kicked in, don't panic! It's ok it will be early stages I'll be ok.
Oncologists appointment. Good news the cancer of your ovary is graded at 1c. However the cancer found is secondary and not found in the ovary. We need to find the primary site!
Are you kidding me! This can't be real, this can't be happening to me. There is no history of cancer in my family how can this happen to me. I quit smoking years ago, I hardly ever drink why me why me why me?
Google, Macmillan and cancer research all become my best friend but worst enemy almost immediately.
Every twitch and pain is googled and a self diagnosis is made daily.
Pain under ribs, loose stools can only mean one thing, bowel cancer with secondary liver cancer. Can it be at all possible that the pain could be all something much more innocent?
Does having Cancer automatically rule out any other illness possible and everything is a sign of some sort of cancer manifesting in your body?
Stage 4 cancer is all I can read, be it unknown or known I still don't want to read or hear stage 4.
how can something manifest itself in my body without any warning signs? How can life be so cruel?
Pet scan now booked, thought it would of brought some relief but more anxiety has arose. That means I can no longer live in denial as once the results are in, this becomes reality.
The correct diagnosis is going to bring so much relief and stop me googling everything, however it is going to make it all real.
this page of book should never of been written. Let's hope the next one will be better....
Thanks for reading x
FormerMember
Hi there,
Not a lot I can say to that except that lots of us have been on this journey and lots come out the other side. Initially all you think is the worst, but there are positive outcomes too.
The waiting and worrying are the worst as its the unknown. Once you know, you can deal with it and whatever comes and we are here to support and hold your hand along the way.
Try to resist google. It just scares you. Everyone is different and individual and not a number and you can only speculate...
Worrying doesn't change the outcome. It will be what it will be and all that will happen is that you will either think well, I wasted all that time worrying about nothing or I wasted all that time worrying instead of enjoying myself.
Of course you can't stop it cos we all do it before results etc but distraction can help a bit, keeping busy etc...
You will get through this because you have to and there are plenty of people here to help and wait and see what they say before assuming the worst.... it may not be as bad as you imagine.
You are in shock of course. You will start to get your head round it soon enough.
I hope it is good news for you with the scan.
Macmillan are really helpful too if you want to talk to them.. you can get their phone number on the main page (sorry, I'm too tired to go and find it)
Thanks for your kind words....I struggle to speak about my emotions with other people as always been very private with them, so find writing them down a fabulous way of expressing them and getting them off my chest. X
Your blog really struck a cord!! That was me two years ago. Googling and the some more, gathering as much information as possible but as a result scaring myself to hell and back. It's hard not to home in on the worst diagnoses, prognoses and mortality rates isn't it??????
You are in shock at the moment with your head reeling and emotions running riot, but all will calm and continue. Whatever your results, you will pick yourself up and carry on because you simply must do so.
In actual fact our psycological mind carries us through and protects us. It helps us cope and makes us strong. And yes, you will be strong and you will face whatever comes.
I wish your results to be the best possible outcome and remeber there is a team of professionals out there armed with treatmensts wiaiting to give you their best efforts.
Hi janbo, trying to be more positive today, unsuccessful at first as my partner started talking to me he is very positive about it thinking it won't be that bad. Bye hasn't read up on everything but seen his mum die of cancer so knows how hard it can be.
I broke down screeching at him that as it's spread I'm pretty stuffed only treatment. Worst case scenario yet again.
However cancelled my ct scan that was originally booked but not have let scan and realised the scan they were offering there was basically the same as I had pre op.
My logic tells me that if cancer was in the thorax / abdominal area surely they would of found it then, so maybe I'm not as bad as I'm thinking. I am going to cling to this idea and think a bit more positive that surely it can't be at bad when I and no symptoms.
I kind of wish the dreaded "c" word was never used until they actually know what the full results are. If only the system was quicker. I would of happily been living with ignorance to it all.
I would of been back at work but instead off due to being. An emotional wreck.
Thanks for your support, I know things will get easier and the emotions will subside somewhat when I have answers.
X
